ACCEPTANCE MONTH: DAY 4: “If there is a single definition of healing it is to enter with mercy and awareness those pains, mental and physical, from which we have withdrawn in judgment and dismay.” ― Stephen Levine
This is it! I read this a long time ago, along with another piece written about healing that invited me into the heart of pain. Now, as an addict, I have no desire to enter pain for any purpose, with either mercy or awareness.
The use of drugs and alcohol, in my book, are to induce a state of body and mind that is numb to all the emotions I ever felt. Putting them on permanent (I thought) hold and eradicating any need to deal with the pain of life as I knew it.
Two things have happened here in this recovery process. The first is that I have been required (forced, almost against my will!) to face many things I did not know would be required since I began. (A trick of sponsors, let me tell you!)
The second is that I began to be willing to do this kind of work.
Why? Because recovery demanded healing. Not just awareness, but healing. They are very, very different creatures.
I may know about things that were painful or gave me grief in my life; but I did not always understand how I operated from the places of fear and anger that they induced.
So, there was “depression” and “anxiety”. The outward symptoms were well represented. However, the causes and conditions part of this recovery work required me to go deeper into the things that drove my symptoms and behavior.
I am grateful that the widespread dependence on psychiatric medications did not begin until after I began my journey here. They were not used as much and I had already been doing this work for a couple of years. I was experiencing the relief that recovery could provide from the symptoms and had seen the causal nature of my old ideas.
This is my personal experience. And with mercy and awareness, I have entered a great deal of healing here. Repeatedly, I have had the opportunity to grow in understanding about who I am and why I do some of the things I do and why I do feel what I feel.
It is not enough, for me, to just be aware of character defects and how they affect others. I need to see my part in driving that behavior and shifting my perspective and thinking into a new channel. This takes time and practice and persistence.
And the healing has deepened and the rewards have been breath-taking! First, I must accept that this process is MY responsibility. I did not arrive here with that understanding or belief. I truly believed it was the fault of all the people and situations I had ever encountered. I love the process of recovery I have found in these steps.
Acceptance truly is “the answer to all my problems today.” Then I know that the shift into recovery is my task, and I have had excellent motivation (so far) to do this work. What a great thing!
Dolphin Hug 