January 2

ACCEPTANCE MONTH: DAY 2: “Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” ― Lao Tzu

This is one of my favorite quotes. Raised to be a people-pleaser and care deeply about the opinions of others, I was always being such a multi-faced person.

I would like to say multi-faceted, but that is not the case. I had no sense of self, no sense of identity or personhood. In the parlance of psycho-babble, I suffered from low self-esteem and low self-worth…duh!

I would be a total chameleon, being this way for that and this way for you and this way for them and this way for others. Ugh!

This slow process of becoming and unfolding has been a long road. I am grateful for the road. It has given me permission to explore fully who and what I was, what I hoped to be, and where I was going in the process.

When we spend some good time in self-examination and getting to know ourselves, we find buried treasures of truth and love. In these years of numerous forms of inventory-taking and exploration of my soul, I have learned that there were huge lies about me that I told and believed for years without ever examining them for veracity.

I love exploring the terrain of my soul and my heart. It has proven to be a wonderful journey into and through healing. The kind of healing I only ever hoped to find here.

It is as if we protected our fragile souls early in our lives and wrapped us in layer after layer of gauze. The gauze covered up who we really were with ego defenses and inappropriate behaviors, designed to keep others from exploring our fragile souls until we had the tools we needed to allow that exploration to occur.

As I have explored my soul, I have had a handful of trusted others with whom I could share what I found there. They have advised and held me while I felt this vulnerable, shaky relationship with my soul unfold. I began to trust the soul that evolved and unwrapped itself, like a fragile mummy, from the gauze. This is an incredible journey!

I have met a lot of people in recovery who unfold the first few layers and stop. They have wondered at my insistence on continuing to unwrap the gauze, because there were so many layers. Perhaps I was more fragile than they, not sure. I just know I will never stop looking for the treasures of my heart and soul.

What I hoped to have happen is occurring for me at this time in my life, and I am more in love with the unwrapping than I ever could have hoped. My fragile soul has become strong and lovely and fully available for me to share with the world. That is amazing! I can be fully transparent and safe with the ideas that have been carried through this process.

There is more, I am sure, to unfold and unwrap. I have a sense of completeness in some areas, but more to do and more to say. It does not matter one bit who thinks what about me or anything I need to say. Some will hear it, others will not. That is always the case. I am so happy and free.

When I began this, it was terribly discouraging to see what I had in front of me. I am so grateful that I never once gave up, but was motivated to move further into healing. This is, I believe, the gift of grace. The very first practice of acceptance I ever had was with accepting the grace that gave me the tools and the grace that gave me the motivation. From that point, this point is possible.