LOVE MONTH: DAY 27: “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” ― André Gide
I don’t know about “hated”, but I do know that I am alright with being thought badly of in response to being as authentic and transparent as I have learned to be.
This is one of the most challenging concepts for others to understand. The cultural focus we share is on how to have the most friends and family. How to “get along” well with others, not about being authentic and transparent with our feelings and ideals.
If we truly learn “To Thine Own Self Be True”, we are going to ram into those ideas of the culture that fosters both addiction and many of the old ideas and ways of being that we should unlearn in recovery.
Probably my greatest teachings in groups is around how we are “people pleasing” and how untrue we become in this process.
I am NOT advocating being an asshole if you don’t like someone or something, but being real and honest. It doesn’t work like that.
Obviously, we can be kind and pleasant without being rude or mean. If we are not in agreement with someone, it is okay to let them be right.
They ARE right, you know. We can disagree all day and both be right. From where I sit or stand, I have this belief because it is mine. I do not know how you reached your belief. It is none of my business. I do not have to shift your belief for you to agree with me. I can let you be right and I can be right, and we may never agree. That is perfectly okay.
If you do not attempt to change my belief to “win” an imaginary prize, I am okay with that. I will respect you and your belief. If you must impose your belief on me, I will most often let you know I disagree and walk away from the dispute. There is no point in arguing and I do not need to be right, but I will also not allow you to make me wrong.
This is a new way of seeing the world for most addicts; and one that can be a constant challenge to our ego. The idea of being “right” is something most of us have learned to defend with our lives and a great deal of vocal reinforcement.
I refuse to play. I know what I believe. I am just as smart as most folks, so can believe things I may or may not have researched enough to be comfortable with. If I am presented with another way of seeing things, I often consider it. UNLESS it is presented to me as being the only right way to believe.
That doesn’t work for most of us.
Learning to be who and what we are is the work of a lifetime. I don’t need your approval or agreement if I am truly loving who and what I am. I don’t need it. When I do need it, it will never fill me up. No matter how hard I chase your approval, I am never going to feel okay. I will be constantly insecure and needy of more and more.
This is another form of addiction. I will say, for me, that it is probably the precursor to the rest of them, at least in my mind. I spent a long time in my life bending myself into pretzel shapes to be the right person for a “Him” or a boss or anyone else I thought I needed in my life. Today that is not the way I live.
If we are talking about the 12th step, the spiritual awakening I have received is the freedom to love myself enough to have loving feelings for you and that Universal Power and everything ever created.
I have learned to love ALL creation, as it is, unconditionally, because I have learned to love and accept myself unconditionally. It works like that, for me.
There were roadblocks for me in this until THAT happened, truly and completely. Today, I am happy to say, the process has come full circle and it is amazing!
Dolphin Hug 