LOVE MONTH: DAY 20: “It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done.” ― Vincent Van Gogh
We have all known folks who do their work and live their lives with less than love. Perhaps we have done it also. What that looks like are the passive-aggressive folks who say mean and hateful things and then just laugh and say “just kidding.”
Sadly, I see this most often in recovery settings where people who are being of service are doing so with resentment, anger, frustration, etc. It makes some service meetings very uncomfortable to sit in. If we are doing service for reasons outside of being part of a team, it isn’t service.
If we perform work or service with the attitude that we are there to get more than what we are getting, a paycheck, we have unreasonable and (future) unmet expectations. That is the fodder for resentment. I realized at a point about 10 years into this thing that I was not a good employee.
I had been a martyr, passive-aggressive in the extreme (a smart ass, a critic, a gossip), and a big whiney baby. But not a good employee. See, there is a breakdown that happens for me. It all begins with me impressing the employer. When they ask if I can do this or that thing as part of the job, I say “Sure, I can do all of those things.”
Usually, I can. And I do. But the breakdown comes after the first week. Now, I agreed to do those things, and the employer agreed to pay me for them. What happens next is odd, because I was so unaware of it for so long.
That is, I receive due compensation, but I also expect praise, kudos, constant reinforcement, more money, and recognition for what I am doing. None of that was discussed in our exchange, but I am let down when I don’t get it. Oh!
Then, I get really asinine and come in a bit late for a couple of days, with good excuses at hand, but late nonetheless. If it is mentioned, I get an attitude like, “What???? You are so blessed that I come in at all! Jeez!” Of course, I don’t say it, but I can shrug or sigh or 1000 other forms of passive-aggressive behaviors.
So, the interesting thing is that I had to begin to shift THAT attitude toward love. And I saw that my service commitments, my job, my relationships began to flourish and shift. I became a better team member in settings where I was not hired or asked to be the princess, but a part of a group focused on accomplishing a specific task… a conference, a panel, whatever.
I can feel it today. I get to thank those who ask me to perform whatever acts of service I do. They are no longer acts of servitude, which some of them had become. If I groan because I have a commitment to fulfill, I am not acting in love, but servitude.
That makes me a hostage, and I don’t like it. I get filled with resentment, anger, frustration and all the “mean reds” as Holly Golightly called them. And life seems dark and ugly. I don’t serve anyone well, and I am sure there is no love felt by anyone around any of that. And even if I agreed to do that thing for some other reason, I am no good at it. When I attempt to look good or take a job to keep food on the table and a roof over my head, I am not acting in love.
And it shows. And I feel it. I am no longer happy to be doing what I am doing. So, I must find the love that can flow when I am doing these things, because I want to be happy; and doing things with love makes me happy.
Since that time, I have had a lot of work that was not easy or pleasant or fulfilling, but I have done what I have done with love and found the love and gratitude in it that I can. What a difference! I am not 100 percent on this yet, but I sure can tell the difference. And I seldom “have” to do things. I am blessed to get to do them.
Love is the shift in us that changes the world. One job at a time, one day at a time, one person at a time.
Dolphin Hug 