December 17

LOVE MONTH: DAY 17: “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

So many addicts have felt the scorn and resentment fostered in society and their relationships by the behavior we practiced in active addiction.

Thankfully, we have steps to assist us in cleaning up that old way of life. It is imperative that we remember that we are not BAD people here to get GOOD. It does not work like that. I watch a lot of people who are working on getting good and they cannot stick this thing out. They have too much judgment and condemnation; stemming, quite often, from their strict upbringing and shame-based thinking or right and wrong.

The judgment we give ourselves radiates outward to condemn others with the same kind of nonacceptance of our humanity. I don’t use the word “forgiveness” because I find it an arrogant stance. I use the word “grace”, because that is what I truly received from that Power when I lived in that hell that was active addiction.

If that is the gift of having done all the horrible things I hated myself so much for, then I truly am blessed. I did not “earn” or “deserve” this thing. I was a train-wreck when I crawled in here. And I have been the recipient of a great deal of grace ever since. I am allowed, by this Power, to work steadily toward that place of becoming a better woman.

It has not been an easy ride, nor is it supposed to be, I guess. How do I know? Because, as Chuck C. so eloquently states: “It is the best life I have ever had!” No shit!

So, I graciously (and not so graciously, you KNOW me!) accept that I am in a constant state of grace. All the time, every day! I cannot do ANYTHING to f— it up, accept to refuse to move forward into the love that I feel when I realize how precious my life has become, both to me and to the Power who provides me with the grace! WOW!

That is a lot of love for a total f— up! Yes! And so, I must remember who and what I am when I live outside that state of grace. And open the gift each and every day and say “THANK YOU!” and move forward into the love.

That also means that I get to see who you are and what you are doing with those eyes. No judgments, no rules, just love. I may not like how you do things, or what you are saying or how you drive or what you wear… (have you EVER recognized just how much shit we judge?) BUT, I MUST LOVE YOU!

Why? Because when I don’t, I am alone and fearful and insecure and inadequate and blaming YOU for those things! Oh!

So, I have learned to love you unconditionally, just as you are. I will give you the same respect I am given by my Creator, and pass it on. This, I believe, is the job I am here to do. Nothing else, nothing fancy or big or earthshaking (yeah, the EGO still lives on!) Just to love you and to accept you and to do nothing that is going to stunt your growth toward your highest good.

Okay…and in doing these things, I have learned an amazing lesson…that I AM HAPPY ALMOST ALL THE TIME! Okay! Wow! I have no agendas for you that are not being met. If you behave in ways that are unappealing to me, I just step aside and let you pass. This is wonderful! I just LET GO! Holy shit! I spent years judging and working to make you behave in ways that I liked.

Some of that meant I was changing the steps to the dance every 10 minutes! I have memories to remind me that there have been some very, very toxic relationships in my life! And today I just step away from what does not appeal to me. It is so damn easy! YAY! I don’t need to say anything, just step away and quit engaging. I can let you be you and I be me.

If you ask me, I just say: “No, thanks.” No story, just love. You are free, I am free. And the love just keeps going on. No more hostages, no more codependence and trying to make you be who I need you to be so I can feel better about me. WOW! So, today, I am letting everyone off the hook. Do what is right for you and I do what is right for me. When we meet, we are in love, when we part, we are still in love.

And I get to spend a whole lot more time and energy just loving and breathing and singing the praises and love of that Power that has shown me how this gig really works…now, if that ain’t what Step 12 is all about, color me confused!