DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 28: Self-discipline is a form of freedom. Freedom from laziness and lethargy, freedom from the expectations and demands of others, freedom from weakness and fear-and doubt. Self-discipline allows a pitcher to feel his individuality, his inner strength, his talent. He is master of, rather than a slave to, his thoughts and emotions. – H.A. Dorfman
I am not a pitcher, but I relate to the quote perfectly. I am free of so many of those old dynamics that ran my life before I got here. I was so undisciplined and dysfunctional.
I am fond of the analogy of being the ball bearing in a pinball machine (I love to play pinball!) My life was a constant practice of reacting to what was going on…bouncing and dinging around with no say about how and when and where I was going to bounce next.
It seemed I had no say in my life. I was constantly working to catch up with where I thought I was supposed to be, looking over my shoulder, waiting for others to catch me at my insane games. I could not be productive or happy or engaged in life. I was a total victim of the pinball machine and had no sense of autonomy or purpose.
The freedom we get from addiction goes much deeper than the practical aspects of ridding our lives of the drugs and booze. To me, that was given (Grace) from the moment I asked to be relieved of the obsession to destroy myself and my life one line or cocktail at a time.
Today it is about ownership of myself. Being able to say…I plan to write today and letting it be so. And being true to my vision of who and what I want to do with my time (which is my life) and how that unfolds. There are always going to be some restrictions due to health, finances, and work or lack thereof, but I get to choose whether I eat well today, if I have a good day or a sad day, I get to choose my reactions and my actions.
This is tremendous! I can either be recovering from those things that were killing my soul, or I can sit in my crazy purple monkey mind and think myself into insanity. I have been restored, now it is my job to remain in that restored state of mind.
Step 10 and working with those things that I CAN change (always just ME and my attitude and my behavior) can be an entertaining job. I can learn to laugh at the purple monkey’s information…oh sure! It is imminently entertaining, after all. And then I can do what I know to be the truth. Walking the Red Road, as I was taught to call it, is a seemingly lonely path to walk.
But that is all in my purple monkey brain. The friendship I find in the REAL world where recovery takes place is mostly with myself. After all, I am the one I most need to like to be in company with. And once I can be okay with me, I find it is not that big a deal what you think or believe about me. I had this backwards for so long and now I really get it!
Dolphin Hug 