October 25

DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 25: “In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves…self-discipline with all of them came first.” – Harry S Truman

I have made the same observation in my life. I have great respect for those who have developed the practice of self-discipline. And I do not resonate with those who exhibit lazy attributes.

I see what happens to those who don’t do this work…they may even stay abstinent for some time, but the quality of their lives is not at all appealing to me. They seem to have no sense of integrity or honesty, two things I am grateful to have found for myself in working through these steps so many times.

If we are given this tremendous gift, why would we not want to do everything possible to keep it? It seems that we would. But I cannot say how frequently those who protest the most are doing the least. It saddens me that there is so much fight involved in staying unhappy and fearful and full of self-pity in this deal.

I do not consider myself a great person, but I have a great life. I truly see how I have gained this through the discipline I maintain with the practices I have learned here. It has held me in good stead when the world around me is not as friendly-feeling as I would like it to be.

And all around me, miracles are happening and I SEE them…I witness and experience and am mindful of them! The more I can pay attention to every moment, the more of them I find to be filled with miraculous events! The point here is, PAY ATTENTION!

I don’t necessarily consider myself to have won victory over myself, but I do understand the concept. My victory is a gift, all grace; in victory over addiction. I did not do it, but I did take part every day. If we only put 10% into this thing, that is all we get back, as I have learned.

If I decide to turn 10% of my will and life over, I get that much in miracles in return. There is no way I can continue to run the show and be successful on any level. Ego (and its lapdog FEAR) are the bad guys here. When they get even 10%, they are in charge! And I am off and running!

Step 10 asks me to be thorough, just as Step 4 does. I cannot steal pens from the bank and say I am practicing honesty. I cannot steal time from others and say I am not a thief any longer.

What I do in fear is done in practicing the tools of my addiction. I must walk forward in faith that I am going to continue to receive the grace that got me here. It has been sorely tested in many ways since I got here, but it has always been right on time.

Never do I know in advance what Creator is going to bring to my door, but it always knocks at the perfect moment. My ego and fear would like a preview, but I do not get one. It is only when the time is right.

What addicts do is anticipate fear, long before anything is wrong. We are self-destructive like that. We see problems weeks or years in advance and want to protect our lives from our projections. So, we act in ways that prevent Creator from ever bringing our good to us at the time it is due.

We short change our lives a million times a day and do not see how that is. When I divert the Universe and the flow into my life with a fear-based intervention, it dams up what is coming and it CANNOT arrive! Oh, shit! And then I am even more fearful, because my feeble attempts to fix my life have created an even bigger mess…and I keep predicting doom and gloom, because THAT IS THE ONLY THING MY EGO (FEAR) KNOWS HOW TO CREATE!

I cannot create what I do not know. Why would I want miracles and keep creating shit? That is the pattern of addiction. And one day I decide my life is shit, so cocktails seem like a great idea! Nothing like continuous (or seeming) failure to create some more of itself!

So, I HAVE to do this stuff or I am sunk!

I must sit still and WAIT for the Universe to create what belongs to me. If I have something in front of me to do today, I do it. Then I let the rest unfold in the way it is supposed to. I do not know what I will be facing tomorrow, so I don’t figure it out. Today is enough for me to deal with. My plate is full. And I will have another full plate tomorrow. What I do not want to do is live tomorrow today…it ALWAYS makes a mess!