DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 22: “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.” – Buddha
I love the freedom I find in recovery to work through things with the steps and a sponsor. For me, this is the ultimate in freedom, because I can choose to work through things or not. I know the consequences of attempting to ignore any issues that arise in my life; because I have tried the path of glossing over the things I needed to clean up.
I don’t recommend that path. The cool thing, to me, is that I don’t often have these things imposed on me like I used to. For one, I seldom get into any form of legal trouble because I don’t often break any laws. (Traffic laws continue to be a challenge I take on too often!)
The victories we win in recovery are so much more powerful and rewarding than anything I ever got before. I always felt like I was swimming upstream in my life, struggling to stay even with others and never, ever getting ahead. I would get out of one mess and find myself in the middle of several more. This was true in financial areas, career, at home, in relationships with family and friends. I felt like I was constantly running from one disaster to another, trying to keep all the plates spinning, because I was.
One day the plates all came crashing down and there I was, in the middle of a big pile of broken pottery; wondering what the hell I was going to do next.
And I found myself in a recovery home, going to meetings and not drinking (strange idea, that!) for several days. It was a great accomplishment to be able to stop qualifying as a newcomer and get that first 30-day chip…oh yeah!
Then came 60 days, etc., etc.; and I was on my way! And none of this was imposed on me by anyone! It was all free for the taking, or not. It was entirely up to me. I had no courts telling me to do this thing, no family members who cared whether I did a step or anything. It was all my choice. And I began to make good, strong choices for recovery.
Each step along the way has felt like a freely made choice to me. I feel excited and happy to do more work to uncover, discover and discard! I want to keep myself feeling that clean feeling I get when I stop telling those old lies and find new ways of being closer to others and the Universal Power that brought me here.
And so, the victories feel tremendous! And powerful! And well earned! And I love this life! I am the best Kelly I have ever been and cannot wait for each day to see what is coming next. This is VERY different from that woman who was so full of shame and rage and could not dream of living another minute like she was living.
The messes may come into my life on occasion, but they are quick and easy for me to work through or just walk away from. I have walked away from a few things in the last few years. Just walked away. There was nothing further I needed to do or say, because there was no point in it. And I feel good and clean about those things, as well as those I have put work into cleaning up.
Not all of them are my messes. That is interesting, too. I used to be so hyper-responsible for everything! Now I can easily see what belongs to you and what belongs to me. I refuse to take on your stuff, and that is another whole realm of freedom! This is amazing stuff here!
And the quote above is reminiscent of a powerful awakening I had early on in this thing. I have had so much taken from me, a lot of it by force, in my life. And since the day I came into this recovery world, I have instinctively understood, from the gate, that this is the one thing that no one can EVER take away from me. This is mine! I claim it, I farm it, I cultivate it, I grow it, and I own it as MINE, and no one can ever, ever take it from me. That, my friend, is pretty damn amazing!
Dolphin Hug 