October 20

DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 20: “We cultivate our feelings the way we cultivate a garden: we can’t entirely prevent weeds from coming up, but we can take care to remove them before they do much harm.” ― Phillip Cary

I really enjoy gardening analogies. So, this quote was particularly appealing to me. The discipline of Step 10 means that I weed out those feelings (and the thinking/beliefs behind them) that are causing problems in my relationships with the world around me.

This may be family, friends, institutions, concepts, whatever I might conflict with at that time. I can get all kinds of emotionally unbalanced about politics, weather, traveling, someone else’s story or situation, any number of things if I am not aware of what I am doing.

Being accountable is an old phrase I heard in the early years of my recovery and one that is not as prevalent as it once was. I want to always remain accountable for my beliefs, attitudes and actions. That is an essential component of recovery for me.

So, it is necessary for me to frequently (daily!) pull the weeds from my garden. And, for those who think there is an easier, softer way, please understand that things like Roundup are perhaps an easier way to remove weeds; but bring a whole realm of toxic chemicals into a situation where they are dangerous to us and all other life forms that may eventually encounter them. If something kills weeds, my experience is that is has the potential to harm many other things as well.

So, I am an old-fashioned, hands in the dirt, kind of gardener. And the same with recovery. I don’t have a softer, easier way to maintain accountability. It is a daily Step 10 that is comprised of reading pages 86, 87 and 88 each night in bed and answering the questions out loud. If I am prevented from doing this for some reason at night, I am going to do it in the morning or in the afternoon, or whenever I can.

One of the not-so-great benefits of doing this for a very long time is the feeling that comes up in me when I don’t do it. I am struck uncomfortable and not-quite at ease within myself. My skin seems to be too tight or something is off in some uneasy way for me.

I have learned that the only way to stay happy, joyous and free is to maintain the accountability I sought when I first met those folks who talked about it in the early days. I wanted to know what they were talking about. I had a basic understanding of the concepts, none of this was completely foreign to me; but I did not comprehend how it would feel.

Of course, I did not comprehend how anything felt in those early days. My emotions were a jumble, because you fine folks took away my cocaine and scotch…dammit! So, those jumbled feelings only had two distinctive features, for me. Rage and shame were the only identifiable emotions for a while around this deal. When I could sort through some of that stuff in steps 4 to 9, I began to find nuance in my feelings.

I could see the difference between resentment and hurt…okay. Then I could see the difference between many other emotions, but was not yet able to keep them from explosive expression. So, I kept working on being accountable and one day I felt like I “got” it! And since that day, I have wanted to maintain that space, because I have some self-worth and some sense of self-esteem about how I began to live. Oh, that was new and different! And I liked it; and I still do! This weeding tool is the best one I ever had!