October 14

DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 14: “When an individual is motivated by great and powerful convictions of truth, then he disciplines himself, not because of the demands of the church, but because of the knowledge within his heart” ― Gordon B. Hinckley

When I became convinced that I was an addict and needed to remain abstinent from drugs and drinking, I became convinced by my participation in meetings that this was the road for me to walk. It then became my mission to work these steps and to do this thing with all I had in me.

I was in a recovery home for the first 90 days and watched a lot of people come in and out for detox and early treatment. Some of them were retreads and told me a great deal about how their journeys into relapse had gone down. It made me sad and angry when others in meetings talked about the low statistics surrounding recovery.

I have been here for a while now and see how that has never changed. We have hundreds of thousands of treatment beds and God-only-knows how many meetings of how many (last count I got was over 200) kinds of 12-step programs there are (and quite a few non-step programs!), and we have yet to scratch the surface of this addiction thing.

So I like this quote, mostly because we have to “fully concede, to our innermost selves” that this is the journey. And, if it is, we need to get on with the way of life that is shown by so many to be the best bet. I am convinced, I have conceded, I have waved that white flag, and there is nowhere else for me to go but IN to the steps and OUT of denial.

So, I will use all the willpower I possess to work this thing in the very best way(s) I can and to work really hard to be the best Kelly I can. I am happy to say that I have always felt like I needed to walk the path of being the poster child for 12-step recovery. In some way, we all are.

So we must be mindful of the message we convey here. We must honor the truth we receive here and carry it well. My heart soars with this stuff. I would be really challenged to find anything that has ever made me consistently as happy, joyous and free as the steps and application of these principles in my life.

Because I am who I am, I have examined, analyzed, read and re-read and looked up all the words of these things. For the last 3 years, I have consistently written about the principles EVERY SINGLE DAY…and I am just as in love with this shit as I was on that very first day when I finally heard something in a meeting that was appealing to me.

I was about 45 days free of drugs and booze and a woman stood in front of 300 people and shared a story that curled our toes…and she shared about having only two feelings…rage and shame…omg!

A lightbulb went off in my brain and I was TOTALLY hooked! Our stories were not even similar to one-another and she turned out to be pretty crazy, but her message was a huge hook that I totally swallowed, because she had also shown me that she had the freedom to stand there and talk about the things she was sharing. WOW!

I did not want her particular recovery, but I sure wanted to have that freedom and to let go of the horror and crap of my early life and the subsequent wreckage of my using and drinking career. So I began to pay closer attention in those meetings and to sincerely want this thing. And I have never let go of the longing in my heart for healing. It is my only driving force most days.

We are blessed here, not because we are all alike, but because we are all so different. As I meet others doing this thing, I am shown what happens when we let other things come between that desire and supplant it or remove it from its primacy. If it isn’t the number 1 thing in my life, I lose! And I can desire lots of other great things, but only when they enhance number 1, not replace it in importance.