DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 12: “Every temptation comes with a choice.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson
Yes, it does…my dear old friend Danny used to say “You can do anything you want in recovery, but you must be willing to pay the price.” Around here, thankfully, this step and some of the others help us clean up the wreckage of our present behavior.
There has never been a time for me that I have known the full price of my behavior until after I have done it…then I am shocked, yes, shocked to find out what some of the price entails. Ugh! So, having worked a lot of step 9 and 10, I am WAY less inclined to jump into things without careful consideration. I may even have to back-track and change a decision I may have made impulsively.
This is less and less frequent as the years go by. I am able to take full responsibility for the messes I make and the cleanup they require. And I do those things less frequently, because I would rather choose things that feed my spirit instead of my ego.
Lifestyle choices are usually easier than romantic and financial ones for me. I am used to eating healthy foods and choosing what to buy and cook for myself. Once in a while I might choose to eat things that are not the best nutritional plan, but I often feel the effects and choose differently the next time.
Ego is most often the connection to why we all have problems with finance and romance. They are two ways we are most likely to validate ourselves, especially when we are spiritually bankrupt or feeling less than good about our lives.
Insecurity and discontentment are two of the things that cannot drive my decisions. When I feel either inadequate or insecure, I am likely to choose things in my life that will puff me up and inflate my sense of self-ego! This is almost always a recipe for disaster and a later cause for cleaning up another mess.
I also recognize that when I am discontented with my life, I am going to make choices that do much the same thing. They will appeal to my addict ego and make me look good on the outside, because my insides are not aligned with my spirit.
Either way, I am feeding the insatiable monster that is my ego…my old mantra from the 1980s, “Too much is never enough” comes in to play and I am spoon-feeding my damned ego again…with a shovel!
There is not enough security or contentment or adequacy available on those days. And it is the road to making poor choices and getting myself in a bucket of shit.
Now, whatever I was feeling before that, I have piled on a load of stuff that is even worse than those feelings I was not dealing with previously. Ugh!
So, for me, the key is to be in touch with and present to, my feelings; not my thoughts, but my feelings. If I am thinking things that are toxic, I might be feeling toxic too. Neither of these is the road to happiness or success.
A spiritual life requires me to maintain a clean feeling in my heart and mind. To do this, I have to learn to pause and reflect when feelings come up. Then I have to gently write through those feelings and then share them with a friend. After I have done this, I must decide to make NO decisions until the feelings pass and I am once again balanced.
As my old sponsor used to say, “When in doubt, do nothing.” Such sage advice. These are the voices I hear in my mind when I am fearful and uncertain. I am learning, years later, that they were always right! ALWAYS…oh!
Dolphin Hug 