DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 9: “Self-discipline is the ability to make yourself do something you don’t necessarily want to do to get a result you would really like to have.” ― Andy Andrews
I did not come around here of my own volition. I did not even consider drugs and booze as the problems for me at that point in my life. Several others mentioned that I might have a problem; but I was convinced that the problem was that I was listening to them.
So I am still surprised, given my ability to deny what is true, that I am here today and that I have not had to relapse (yet) since I got here.
When I sat in the first meeting where I was able to actually read what was up on the walls, I remember thinking that I was doomed, since I saw so many things in those steps that I was NOT going to do, thank you, very much!
Imagine my surprise when I began to shift to this person who is such a huge fan of those steps…and I do mean a HUGE fan! I work them over and over, I read about them, discuss them, teach them, talk to others about how 12-step recovery is the ONLY thing sitting between me and cocktails and piles of cocaine.
So my initial reluctance has been transformed…my life has been transformed. Perhaps I should actually use the word transmuted. That is the process where we have to actually die to be born again in a new form. Walking through that spiritual and emotional death of one self to be born as another. I love that idea. Most of us get that concept very well.
Within a short time, I was living in a new place, in a new city, with all new people in my life. I was spending all of my time in events and tasks that were related to recovery, going to meetings every day, calling my sponsor every day…reading new material in new kinds of books, learning a whole new language, dressing differently, talking differently…yikes!
What happened from one moment to that place? I am not sure. I was able to sit still long enough for the feelings of recovery to catch up with me. Most of us don’t do that. We do some work and then race around thinking it is “all good”. Usually not so much.
As we go through this process, it is imperative that we sit with the work we are doing, really allowing it to settle into our bones and our souls. If we feel good about the work, we are being thorough and searching. When we don’t we don’t.
Step 10 is kind of the catchall for this process. We need to do it every day, all the time. If we don’t, we are going to find ourselves with the RID syndrome…restless, irritable and discontent. Oh yeah! Those guys! And we race around some more…trying to find where we can plug in to get our “fix” …usually looking for money or a relationship…as my old sponsor used to say, Pink or Green.
Those are the two things that mess us up the most. Ugh! I love them both and hate them both. How about you?
Well, this is where the rubber meets the proverbial road. Are you doing it? If not, why not? If you say you are too busy, thank God your breathing is automatic, or you would probably drop THAT lifeline as well.
There is no such thing as being too busy. It just means you are not going to do it until there is a gun to your head. And that means you are the kind of “defiant” individual that is one of the symptoms of an addict to begin with. If that hasn’t changed yet, you are doomed to a life of misery whether or not you are drugging or drinking.
So I will remain in my discipline, because it works and I am happy. That is the only proof I need that this stuff works. And it is far, far easier to stay in this place than it is to leave and hope to find my way back. I have found my key, it works in the lock of my mind and my heart. I am NOT going to lose it today!
Dolphin Hug 