October 7

DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 7: “Whether our action is wholesome or unwholesome depends on whether that action or deed arises from a disciplined or undisciplined state of mind. It is felt that a disciplined mind leads to happiness and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering, and in fact it is said that bringing about discipline within one’s mind is the essence of the Buddha’s teaching.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I don’t think I will ever have discipline within my mind, but I have been able to corral it for the most part. So, like a wild horse, it still rears up and kicks the air; but I am able to contain it within the framework of the 12 steps and be at peace with that much progress.

Who knows? Perhaps I will someday feel completely in mastery over the beast, but it is not today. I am happy for the progress made and give thanks for that each morning. I do not want to be where I was when I was so desperately unhappy a couple of years ago or when I was between 9 and 11 years into this deal. The lessons were tough, and I got them and I am grateful for them, because they taught me how to be who I am now.

There is so much to learn in life. We addicts are, as the book says, “an undisciplined lot”; and I want to be free of the consequences of my insane thinking and subsequent behavior.

So I will learn to laugh at my crazy thinking more often and not buy into the way my ego tries to take me down into the pit of despair. I laugh when I write that “pit” thing, because of the movie “Labyrinth” and the “bog of despair” in that movie…the mud fart sounds…Hahahaha…okay, easily amused! But it is a great image for where my brain tells me I should sit and it really is funny…I am really funny…I get all caught up in feeling sorry for myself and pretty soon I hate everyone because I think they have what I want and f… them… you know the song!

So just now, this moment, I am not in the pit (or bog) of despair, I have no one to hate, and I am feeling like the Universe’s favorite kid, because I am having a good time being me. There are challenges, but I can meet them. Mostly, they live in the ego I am blessed with. Have we talked about how it has its own zip code? Yeah…

I have no messes to clean up today, and it could stay like that for another day, week, month; hell… maybe even a year and so on.

The truth is, my actions are mostly wholesome today…a phrase I never applied to my behavior until I read this man’s amazing works. Wholesome kind of makes me feel like a loaf of bread…okay, now the imagery is getting to be too much! Laughing at self today…I guess I am finding myself amusing. Perhaps I should filter what I write more, but this flow is good for me and I enjoy it most days.

True also that my mind is the source of my happiness or unhappiness. That is why all that I do is focused on being in my best mind. We all know the difference and can tell when our thinking is getting toxic. And we are participating in listening to and believing what it tells us. Ugh! Today I choose to practice discipline, because my life is so much greater with it than without it. So easy, take that you bog of ego!