FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 23: “Most of us are imprisoned by something. We’re living in darkness until something flips on the switch.” ― Wynonna Judd
This is so true of addiction. We don’t know we don’t know until we know. That is how life is all around. A lovely woman friend of mine used to tell me: “Honey, if you could have done it any better, you would have.” I somehow have the idea that I am supposed to handle life differently and tend to beat myself up when I act other than mindfully.
We live in darkness because we don’t have the tools that will illuminate things for us and make it become a better life than we have going on during addiction. If drugs and alcohol are the only coping skills we have for life, it is going to become a problem at some point. And not right away, which is why we get to live in darkness for quite a while.
I can honestly say that I knew cocaine was a problem the instant it hit my brain…it was too perfect! And I drank in a blackout the very first time I ever really drank. But it was quite a few years before it was possible for me to recognize that recovery might be a better way to go…and I had lots of doubts for quite a while, even then!
We get to continue to live in darkness for a lot of years around here. If we knew all that we are going to learn about ourselves, our lives and our recovery in the first year or ten of this deal, we would explode! It is a long, very slow process that, for me, must be continually worked on to develop anything like the life I came here to get. Those moments when all is right with the world and I feel totally happy just to be alive are way more frequent today than they were at the beginning. I am intensely grateful for that. Those early moments of feeling like that kept me here for a long time…I wanted MORE!
After 30 years of continual, steady work to rid myself of the thinking and subsequent behavior that drives my addiction, I am amazed at how much old thinking still comes into my life each day. Less and less of the time does it tempt me to dance the dance, but the music still plays, and my feet may tap along.
Thankfully, the truth has been revealed to me often enough that I do not listen to the lullaby and believe it! The darkness still lives in my mind, I can access it whenever I want to ruin my life and the way I have learned to be in the world. OR, I can keep the light on and remember that it is just a thought, an idea, a way of thinking…and I am free at any time to change my mind.
How that works for me is this: I am low on money for the rest of the month; my mind tells me I must DO something to change that! Now! Immediately! The heart starts pumping too fast and Cortisol floods my brain and my body…Panic! Now my mind is racing with all the old thoughts of how to make money come into my life NOW! So I think of selling my stuff, selling your stuff, stealing your stuff, stealing someone’s stuff, selling drugs, selling my body or skills, getting 5 jobs, leave town in the middle of the night, etc., etc., etc. I believe I have to fix any perceived problem NOW!!
And I say to myself, “Hhmm. This is familiar, I remember how many times this has come up before. It worked out better when I did nothing. The Universe knows my needs and will supply me with what is needed when it is needed.” And I let it go. And back it comes. And I let it go.
Now, in the past, I have done many things around this theme. I have taken on too many jobs, borrowed money, stayed awake at 3 am for days, trying to “fix” it or “figure things out”, which never, ever works. And I have let the Universe handle all the details for me. And something always works out…money comes from something I may have set up months ago, even years ago; I am offered a loan or some work, so many different scenarios. I love the creativity God uses in my life when I get out of the way with my old ideas. The news here is: I DON’T HAVE TO FIX IT! If there is something I need to do, I will be shown. And thank God for Allene who always said, “When in doubt, do nothing.” Oh!
So freedom from that kind of thinking is a beautiful thing. And I wait for the miracles. And I dare the Universe to surprise me with the solution that I know is always there….yay!
Dolphin Hug 