FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 12: “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” ― Jim Morrison
My story about this is a powerful lesson I learned around fear. We do those fear lists in Step 4. Mine has consistently held the top 3 fears I have had since joining you folks here.
a-drinking or using again
b-loving someone and them leaving me
c-being hurt or sick and alone with no help to navigate my daily life
and some others I will not talk about today…
I have NOT had the first one come up for me, hopefully never will. I respect this one and have seen the devastation that comes with relapse after long periods of recovery.
However, I fell in love at 12 years of recovery and subsequently married that lovely man. He DID leave me in 2005, when I was just under 19 years of recovery by dying. I was devastated, but I did not die. About 2 months later, I woke up one morning unable to move the entire left side of my body…not a stroke, as I first feared, but a fractured vertebra in my neck had severed and when I did move, the pain was excruciating.
The pain went on for over 3 months, during which time I still had to care for a huge property that was in need of watering (by hand) and I had to haul heavy hoses around to do it (summer time!). I also had to care for 2 dogs that weighed 130 pounds each and who needed to be walked and brushed, etc. I could not drive a car, lay down to sleep or even walk without pain. It was horrible! But I did not die. A day at a time, I was able to navigate through this time, sometimes crying and screaming, but I got through it.
The lesson for me is that I can call my scariest demons into my life and overcome them, a minute at a time, a day at a time. We get to do these things without a return to active addiction and by asking for help when we can and letting that Power out there take care of the big stuff.
I never went hungry during this period, my dogs did not eat me, and it passed. I learned the lessons of letting others know when I need help and receiving it from them. This was a great time for me to let go of being so strong (my favorite image of myself) and; yet again, not needing to be so fatally independent.
When I did my first 8th step, I was terrified, because I had to face judges and the IRS and a lot of other very scary forces…all much more powerful than I. But each one was done, a day at a time, and I got through it. Today I am so grateful for those experiences. They have informed me in many, many other times that we get through these things when we allow the Universe to drive the bus! Okay!
Since that time in 2005, I have had other fears, all of which have been met here. I was afraid of losing my job(s) and being broke and unemployed…check! I was afraid at one point of losing my home and all the money my husband and I had invested in my future “security” …check! I spent 6 years obtaining degrees in the belief I would be more employable after that…hahaha…not true!
And with each loss or each situation that I have been able to meet and walk through, life has been okay. In fact, what is funny is how incredibly happy I have been and remain. We get to do these things together. I have not only survived this time, but I have been able to thrive…what freedom we have in this thing…recovery brings us freedom from so much more than just active addiction!
Dolphin Hug 