FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 7: “Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
Clearing all wreckage frees us, but Step 9 is the one that makes it last. Very few of us want to continue to make amends and will often change our behavior just to avoid it. I have had a few folks in my life who helped me immensely by letting me know I was back to old behavior and ideas.
This is awesome when I get gentle reminders…and some of them are not so gentle. I did a great deal of service in those early days and it would bring up some of my old stuff. Rather than create new amends to be made, I had to learn “restraint of pen and tongue.” Ugh! That can be a real challenge for a know-it-all like me.
So I have to slow down and listen and be present to what others have to say and how they want me to do things, even when I have a better plan. I worked with a boss early on that kept me in this practice nearly every day. If I apologized, he would just look at me and say: “If you are really sorry, then stop doing it!” Yikes…he was so right!
And I have heard a million times or more that “If you like what you are getting, keep doing what you are doing.” That is a favorite that seems to have gone by the wayside in todays’ vernacular of recovery sayings. Still a good one for me.
I have learned to get out of my own way by not doing the things that I had to clean up in those early days. I find that my life is much fuller and richer without making amends all the time and not being able to keep my word about how I am going to change the things that did not work with others when I made the amends.
If I tell someone how I am working to “amend” my attitude, my ideas and my behaviors, I better stick to it. If I have harmed them with this stuff again, they are right to not trust my recovery. So I have engaged them in an agreement that I am off track and need to focus on my path more acutely.
And when I do this, I am full of recovery, not pathology! Life is good and I enjoy my time with those with whom I am engaged in relationship.
Freedom from my insane behavior is the greatest part, for me, of recovery process. I am glad this is the last of the clean-up steps and that I have a map forward for maintenance of my work. As time goes on, I have found that ongoing step work is crucial to the new levels of stuff that comes up for me.
Each time there is another level of work, I am hopeful that I will enjoy deeper and greater freedom. Most of the time at this point, my amends are minimal and sometimes there are none to make. But I also find that the ones that come up today, whether they be in a 9th or 10th step, are easier, because I know how to commit to making them.
I have not once stated “I am sorry” in making an amends. The few times I used that phrase was with the boss mentioned above…he pretty much cured me from using that sentence. I am grateful for that, because I know when I was “out there”, I was chronically sorry, all the time, for everything…and most folks were real tired of hearing it.
I find that is not the case today. If I do or say something that is harmful to someone, I am usually able to catch it in the moment and restate it or do what I need to do to clean it up right away. I love, love, love this thing! The gifts just keep on coming!
Dolphin Hug 