FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 4: “We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” ― William Faulkner
Step 9 has allowed me pure freedom. As long as you were on my “list”, you had a grip on my life. I cannot be free when that is the case. I can set you aside, but you are always a part of my life.
Fact is, I seldom have had ongoing relationships with most of those people who were part of my life before I got here, because the nature of everything in my life has changed. Those who still are a part of my life have a renewed and altered relationship with me and I with them. That is the result of making these behavioral, attitude and ideological changes in me and then passing them on to the world.
Example: I cheated the IRS out of several thousand dollars in the years just prior to my recovery, so I had an outstanding debt with them that was on my 8th Step list and my sponsor insisted that I make that amends (dammit!) I was resentful and angry about how they treated me…lol.
So, for 19 years, I sent them a minimal payment each month, with a small red heart drawn on the memo line of every check (my sponsor made me write the check and include “love” in the envelope!) and eventually rid myself of the debt. The original debt had increased enormously due to penalties and interest…ugh! And I was grateful when the debt was paid.
Being free of that debt eliminated my attitude with the IRS…trust me, they are not on my Christmas card list, but I never again have avoided, lied or cheated in my interactions with them. I am happy when I find a deduction, truly; but they do not have the hold on my life they once did.
The same has been true of the people with whom I owed amends, whether they were financial or not. I no longer avoid or hide from anyone. No one is looking for me to get back what I stole or left with them.
It is such a freeing experience to be able to move through the world and never, ever have to look over my shoulder or feel uncomfortable with others in meetings, etc.
Today I can go anywhere and interact with others as I see fit. I have absolute autonomy in every area of my life. I am free to love, like, dislike or have total disinterest in others. I can allow others to dislike me, which I never thought would be possible. I am not running for prom queen, nor am I so insecure about myself and my life that I need or even want your approval.
If I like someone, I am able to make the effort to be friends and get to know them. If I don’t, I don’t. I understand the difference between friends and acquaintances, which is challenging for a lot of people in early recovery. That comes, but it comes when we know what we are striving for with others.
Most of all, Step 9 has given me something that is so valuable it cannot be bought or created at any price, or in any other way; which is peace of mind, freedom from the monkey in my mind that keeps me awake at night and looking over my shoulder all the time…vigilant for those things that may come back to bite me. They are gone and have been for a long time…along with remorse, regrets, and every drop of my shame about who I have been and what I have done and how that affected you, and you, and you.
Dolphin Hug 