FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 3: “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
I have, like most addicts, been an incredible perfectionist for too much of my life. I have been a brutal critic of myself, my looks, my body, my behaviors and other parts of myself.
Freedom from my brutal judgments is one of the things I most appreciate about this lifestyle. Recovery has softened me and created a kinder, more accepting version of that critical bitch I once was…yes, I said the B word about me. I have been a nasty, judgmental and hyper-critical person who was not nice to self or others when in this mode. I am grateful this happens less often, but once in a while; she returns!
So I remember who I have been and how that feels and looks, because I do not like it. Freedom from that means I have the freedom to be imperfect…what???? Yeah, I know. It is an impossible and ridiculous form of suicide we perform when we expect perfection from anyone human. And we get quite nasty about self and others when we sit in that space.
Fear, fear, fear! The beast that lies in such grand detail about everything and puts us in the tailspin of living with all our ego defenses right in front of us! Ugh…nasty stuff.
Recovery, especially steps 4-9, has brought to me the awareness of who I truly am, my likes and dislikes, my assets and liabilities, those things I did not know were dysfunctional about my beliefs, attitudes and behaviors; and allowed me to learn a whole new way of being! Hooray!
So I am grateful for this stuff…for the journey into Kelly and the gifts of being with someone I can actually enjoy being with and just whom I enjoy being. Wow! Who knew?
So I can honestly say that learning to enjoy ME and being ME is the longest road of all…because I was the one trying to kill me and beat me into submission by pretending to be so many other things and other people.
I remember how badly my face would hurt when I was around people and doing things that did not make me feel good. I would force a smile I did not feel and pretend to be having fun I wasn’t having and say things I did not mean and talk about a life that was not really what was going on for me. The cover up! The hours spent trying to be something I wasn’t because what I was could never be enough or acceptable or adequate.
Now I feel adequate and happy and FREE! And I have made these amends to others to stop the lying and the pretending and the acting. Wow! It is wonderful! I have authentic fun and authentic love and authentic friends. And if something is not authentic, I stop and don’t have to do it anymore, no matter what!
I disappoint a lot of people who want me to be something else, but that is not my business. I don’t play in that space ever again! If I am not being who they need or want me to be, I walk away. Life is too short and too GOOD to ever do that shit again! Hooray! THIS is FREEDOM!!!
My living amends, day in and day out, is to be the most authentic person I can be. To own Kelly, inside and out, and continue the process of healing the shit that went before. I don’t do things to please people, but to be of true service. If I can’t do something with love, I don’t do it. If something causes me pain, I stop doing it. If someone wants to control and manipulate me for their own agenda, I walk away. This is awesome stuff and I want MORE!
Dolphin Hug 