COURAGE MONTH: DAY 29: “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu
Even when the person I love deeply might be myself…this has been true. Learning to have the audacity (one of my favorite words!) to love myself enough to do this work here has been the greatest lesson I will ever learn.
It is a continual process of owning myself deeply and loving myself unconditionally. Then I could show you who I really am…no masks, no pretense, no hiding from others what I was seeing inside, quite often for the first time myself.
I love this process, because I have been more real and authentic. I no longer cringe when I read “The Velveteen Rabbit”, because I am no longer afraid that others will never love me if I tell the truth and show the real person behind the walls I built so many, many years ago.
And I truly love the process of watching others that give me their trust in opening those same doors. We do this in wonderful way here, with steps and deep conversations about those delusions we hold about who we are. It seldom matches who we try to pretend to be. And that is why I have such great love and respect for this 12-step process. It goes deep, against the grain (quite often) of what I believe about the world and myself.
I have sometimes felt like I was having skin peeled from sensitive nerve endings in this process. And it was quite impossible to feel safe at times while working through some of the history I got here with, mostly old ideas and attitudes and behaviors. But time after time, I was given safety and love when I needed it most to heal.
And the truth! Those wonderful sponsors who have worked with me when I thought I was quite done and more was being revealed about work that needed to continue to unfold…ugh! I would yell at them and shake my fist at the sky… “Are you f-n kidding me? More? Again?” etc., etc., etc. As much as I love the process today, those early opportunities were not always met with willingness and a gracious smile. The really cool part of this thing is that it worked anyway. Oh! Even when I knew it was someone else’s fault and I was RIGHT! Dammit!
Hahaha… courage is laughing in the face of this and working through my shit anyway. I don’t have to like it; I just have TO DO IT! Yep! And every single time I get to see how beautifully the whole thing is orchestrated to further MY spiritual process. Hooray!
And I have learned to love others…not take hostages like I once did, but love them enough to let them be who they are and not need for them to be anything else. This is wonderful! I am so grateful for the process that has allowed me to continue to unfold these things in these ways. And that I got here in time for life to give me a great big bunch of cool stuff to do…work with some of the most amazing people in the world…share this stuff with (literally!) thousands of others who think it might (or might not) be a good idea for them…sponsor some of the most wonderful (and not so much) people I have ever known. Learning to work with those who are especially broken by trauma and abuse in so many situations and circumstances.
If the short period of my marriage is the only one I ever get, I am blessed to have had a truly great love story in my life. And today, when I am stepping into yet another period of uncovering things that were terrifically painful and damaging, I am so happy for the love of my tribe and those who I have grown to love here, as well as the deep courage and faith that never, ever, ever lets me down!
Dolphin Hug 