COURAGE MONTH: DAY 22: “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.” ― J.K. Rowling
Having boundaries in our lives can be so uncomfortable. This has been so prevalent in my life lately. I grew up believing that “nice” people do things for others at all personal cost, which really only creates problems.
We see, culturally, that we are supposed to take care of those who are less fortunate, but we often do so in ways that do greater harm than we will ever know. We have so many broken and old ideas when we get here that we do not know the difference between “helping” and “enabling” and often end up with deep resentments and rage because we get taken advantage of and used. This happens in so many of our relationships that we are unable to trust others.
Those who are particularly pleasing to others because of wealth, social standing, fame or notoriety, beauty, etc. are particularly blighted by not knowing if others like them for themselves or for those other reasons. That is sad, because they often find that there is no authenticity in their relationships with others.
We have all had these questions. We are brought up, often enough, in homes where people pleasing and “accommodating” others is rampant daily practice. We may have been taught that we are doing the right thing when giving others the benefit of our own success or wealth or time or attention. Then there are those who have an inclination toward predatory behavior and beliefs of entitlement to those things that others have.
This dance is powerful and goes on all over the rooms of recovery, as well as outside of it. We have to learn to give what we can without strings…unconditional love is the hardest thing to learn I know of. We all say we practice it, but it usually isn’t the case. We may love a sponsor or sponsee, but we are very attached to the idea that they must remain abstinent from drugs and alcohol. Given the statistical data on how often that really happens, we are setting ourselves up for possible disappointment, as well as setting conditions on the relationship.
For it to be truly unconditional, we have to let go of ALL conditions. I love you even if you are loaded or drunk…this is what we must mean for it to be unconditional. AND, I love you enough to impose limits on what is acceptable behavior from you in my life. Oh! Now we have rules…yes! We have rules. Relationships, those that are tending toward becoming healthy, need rules. Both parties need to negotiate the contract…face to face, in writing if necessary. Addicts tend to jump into relationships without EVER discussing what is and what is not acceptable to the other party. This is about as dysfunctional as it gets.
As a sponsor and a sponsee, I have to negotiate those relationships at the onset. It is not healthy to define and set boundaries in the middle of having them trashed by the other party. I have to learn to lay the groundwork at the beginning. We (most of us) have spent lifetimes trying to navigate the world where no one told us what the rules of the game were. We were lost and confused as a result. To continue to do this in recovery is disturbing, and SO unhealthy for both parties.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all learn to say to each other: “Well, I know you don’t know these things about me, but I hate certain foods (whatever they are), I love to cuddle in the morning (if a romantic relationship is developing), I have learned to tell you the truth (even if my voice shakes) and expect the same from you, I want to eat dinner together each evening at 7pm and cook it together beforehand, I love to be surprised with special gifts on days when they are not expected, I want you to call me when you are not going to be where you say you are going to be at the time you said you would be there…” You get the idea.
When we negotiate and have conversation about these things, we can always go back and renegotiate if we have been too rigid, but if we are mapping the course of a relationship by only the things that the other person is doing that piss us off, we have a dysfunctional relationship. Most of us have been in these and they are doomed from the start, because they are full of resentment, fighting and hurt feelings when they go south…and they always go south.
What if we all just had the courage to be who we are, with all of our likes and loves and preferences and beliefs and expectations out in the open…right there! On the front page of our book! Where everyone can see it and let us know if that works for them or not! What a lot of pain and heartache we could save each other if we could do this…it’s just a thought…
Dolphin Hug 