COURAGE MONTH: DAY 17: “You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.” ― William Faulkner
I used to think I wanted to swim the Channel here in Ventura…from the shore to Anacapa Island, although, for the life of me I do not know why. It was the kind of challenge I used to believe I was capable of. (??!!) Now I am content doing this as often as possible on any kind of boat. I love being on the water…I feel completely centered and calm.
I have never been afraid of any kind of adventure, and for the life of me, I cannot tell you why I am so fearless about most of life. My fears are more personal and about me being hurt emotionally more than physically. I guess this has to do with having the early life I had or something.
Anyway, I think that I embarked on this recovery thing in much the same way that I go at life…Bring it on! I believed that everyone had this much Tigger enthusiasm and excitement about the new adventure and new people and new discoveries as me. Today I know that is NOT the case.
I see that most addicts are quite lazy and do only what they have to do in order to get by in life. This is a sad thing, because I am quite motivated to do this stuff and have always been very exuberant about recovery, because it began to pay off for me in wonderful ways right away! I had a lot to get through in the early days, so I am glad it was like that for me.
Sometimes I see how much I have to do on a given day and want to be that kind of enthusiastic, but don’t feel it. I have learned to be still on some days and busy on others. I take care of those things that need to be done, especially the ones I do not want to do. I call those the “icky” things. They do not look like the things I enjoy, so I have to really prep myself to do them. Today those are the first things I work on, so I can get to the ones that are more fun!
We have to let go of what is known to get to where we want to go…it is not possible to hang on to the pier and still get to the islands that are several miles away. If I have set a goal to get to a certain place, I have to allow the fear of doing something unknown be put behind me as I step out in some sense of an adventure about to unfold.
Every new adventure creates a feeling in my mind and body of being a little kid, lost in a big mall or crowd and knowing that no one is looking for me…I am about 3 or 4 years old and everyone and everything looks really big and unfamiliar or downright scary. I have learned to walk through that to get to the next thing.
Sometimes it feels like everyone I encounter is telling me “NO! You cannot go there…you cannot do what you think you want to do…you must return and never come back…they are not welcoming or helpful or on my side at all.” I have learned to find those on the path who say “Yes!” to me, who encourage me and help me and I have to ask for that help and assistance, which is the hardest part of all. In fact, my fears can often create the opposite when I am not able to be present to their helpfulness in the right way. I may resist them telling me something or respond in fear and then they do as well.
I have to remind myself to ask for their help in ways that are going to bring out their highest nature. I have watched how fearful people can antagonize those who could help them and create the dynamic of both parties becoming frustrated and short-tempered.
We must look for those angels who are along the path. They got up this morning, dressed for their jobs and prepared themselves to help others. We need to be mindful to approach them in that fashion, and we will be successful in enlisting their assistance in furthering our personal cause. If we demand that they do that job, they may not respond with helpfulness and kindness.
This I have learned…when I walk in fear, I engender unfriendly responses in others…the exact opposite happens when I walk in courage and kindness…oh yeah!
Dolphin Hug 