August 4

COURAGE MONTH: DAY 4: “I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back….” ― Erica Jong

Some people think my life is interesting and that I am really brave. Most of the extraordinary events of my life happened because I was stuck. I had to DO something, so I did whatever popped into my head. It wasn’t planned to be the crazy adventure (kind of like a patchwork quilt) that it has become over the years…the moving around, the shifting from job to job to job…I guess it is just the Will of the Universe that I have lived so many different lives inside one persons’ body… (can I get a new one now?)

What makes it interesting, to most folks, is that I have had a wide variety of experiences and events that do not match. I have jumped from one thing into another. There was no reason not to, as far as I can see. I did not have a family to connect me to time and place, so I just hop-scotched around the world and around to different types of work. Even now, I read an interesting job opportunity, and think, “Hhmm, I could do that.” Even when it is something I have never done. I truly have never doubted that there are many things I cannot do, but there are many more I know I can.

Courage is saying “yes!” to life, and I have done that A LOT. But when I look at how much emotions have caused me fear in the past, I see where my Achilles’ heel has been…in places where I have to stand up for myself against things that are unfair or where I have been hurt. I mostly just go away. Even today I have a tendency to not risk my feelings. Twice in the last year I have been in situations where I have just walked away from people who were mean or did things that hurt my feelings. I truly just got to the point where asking for different treatment became too much work and where I do not feel like I want to keep belaboring the point.

For this purpose, I consider myself a runner. I could work through these things with others and remain in relationship with them, but I know myself too well to believe I will want to do that. So I weigh the risks with the rewards and walk away from those things that I used to go after in order to keep doors open. I am okay with that. At some point in time, I guess I am just a coward.

Recovery has given me the courage to look myself in the eye and tell the truth about what is going on for me. It is okay if I don’t agree with others, but I need to walk away without fighting and my old ways of hoping they will change. That is none of my business. For me, Courage means I show up to things that have been scary. There have been quite a few: Courts when it looked like I was going away for many years, to lots of surgeries and hospitalizations, to being married, to being a widow, to going to school for many years, to losing a home and everything created with my husband, and to moving around to new places over and over-getting to know new groups of people and new cities and new friends, while still staying in contact with the old ones.

For most recovering people, being alone and comfortable, without distraction, is the biggest fear we face. This has been my path for so long that I am not afraid to do this. I am more afraid of being with people who are inauthentic. We all have a journey, so I am glad that mine is exactly what it is…. I have no judgments and no regrets…but I do have plenty of Courage…thank you, thank you, thank you!