July 30

PATIENCE MONTH: DAY 30: “What good has impatience ever brought? It has only served as the mother of mistakes and the father of irritation.” ― Steve Maraboli

Yeah, this is where I am today. I spent several hours with computer frustrations yesterday…I am very unsettled when something breaks or doesn’t work well. I have a tendency to want to ‘fix’ it right away, because I like order and stability in my life today. Of course this comes from a place of chaos and trauma when I was young, but that is not the issue. I can drive myself insane with the need to have everything ‘just so’. (Not to mention how bat shit it makes my friends as well!)

So I was able to practice some patience with attempting to fix the issues, then with the techie girl who spoke with a very strong accent and was difficult for me to understand, as well as her hanging up on me 3 times. Then I finally left the whole situation unresolved and walked away from the computer completely until this morning. I still have not touched it because I have other things to do today, but my brain is so focused on ‘fixing’ it! Hahaha…life is good…I don’t have to go insane with it and get so irritated that I make mistakes all over the place.

Culturally, we applaud those who jump into action and ‘do’ something when there is a problem. It is not looked at quite the same way when we stand back and ‘let go and let God’. We are into the ‘quick fix’ in this culture, not recognizing that the first solution is not always the best. In my need for order and stability, I have learned to sit with uncertainty and messiness and the unknown outcomes, because that is what life is made of.

If I have a broken arm, I need to address that right away. My broken computer not so much. I have to learn that things are not as emergent as they seem. I can get quite panicky about broken things. This is still a problem, so I get to sit with the uncomfortable parts of acceptance and not knowing for a bit. I am doing so much better with this! There have been several issues for me in the past couple of months where I can see how much progress I have made. So I am glad I did not flunk out of 12-step recovery for my inability to wait patiently for things to resolve themselves in the past.

We are all in process…some of us get things right off the bat, others not so much. We are all perfectly imperfect and human, which is the first kind of acceptance I had to get to. That took a long time. I did not ever want anyone to know how flawed I was. Now it is all okay with me. I am a more effective member and sponsor and friend because I know who and what I am. And even though I am not comfortable with my broken computer situation, I am okay just letting it be. The best  solutions come from someone and somewhere else…thank God for that!