July 25

PATIENCE MONTH: DAY 25: “Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Have the patience to wait! Be still and allow the mud to settle.” ― Lao Tzu

When I was new here, I did not want a year or even 60 days. I wanted 20 years NOW! I wanted to know what people with long-term recovery had learned. In some ways, this served me well, because I never procrastinated or drug my heels in doing the work. I was motivated and impelled through the Steps and being into service and doing all the things that were there for me to do to get and maintain this deal. I am grateful for my impatience on that level.

That is why, I believe, we cannot do or be anything that we are not meant to do or be. If Step 7 worked the instant we asked our Creator to remove those character defects and we never had to go back to this place, we would lose so much of what recovery is all about, as I see it. My impatience to get hold of this thing and make it mine is a character defect that worked for me, not against me. Then came a time at about 3 years of recovery when a dear mentor and friend had to tell me “leave Kelly alone, she’s doing just fine. Quit pushing and let it all settle.” I really had begun to push myself and to work like a crazy person to fix how broken I was. Therapy, sponsorship, self-help groups, tons of meetings, working steps all the time…it was brutal, really.

So today I can see the perfection of time and process. It is like watching someone who has never worked out in their life or for a long period and they suddenly decide to become healthier and take better care of themselves. They make fanatical changes to their lives and diet, then try to fix all of the problems their poor self-care has caused in a week. Not gonna happen! There is a great deal to be said for ‘slow and steady wins the race.’

I am happy to move forward each day, not looking at the finish line, but just to be aware of character defects that cause me discomfort and block my service to 12-step recovery and the spiritual process I am engaged in. Then I ask that they be removed and walk forward to the next indicated thing that is on my journey. I have full faith that things will be cleaned up and cleared up as they can be, not as I would desire them to be. This is wonderful progress for me, because my ego still tells me I am WAY more into recovery than any other people I know. And I get to fall down and skin my knees to see how my silly ego can set me up for humility and laughter as well.

Learning about the spiritual nature of the world and myself and others is the key to enjoying life, at least for me. I always thought it was the material goods I could get, or the homes I could buy, or the cars I could drive, or the men I could love and play with, or so many other things that have to do with financial wherewithal; but I have come to realize and recognize those truths that have been handed down by many, many wise folks over the ages. My soul is happiest in Nature, doing simple things, having fewer material possessions at all times, learning to live with very little financial wherewithal, spending great amounts of time outside of relationships with men, begin alone, and needing nothing to be happy, truly and deeply happy and satisfied with life and my part in it. I have learned to love those things that are not of the material world and enjoy things I once thought not meant for someone like me. (whatever that means!) So understanding, as Lao Tzu, has come. And the more spiritual understanding and comfort I receive, the more devoted I am to the path I am on today. My needs grower fewer and my heart is lighter with each moment I sit still with this newfound ability to just live and BE!