June 30

HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 30: “I realize today that nothing in the world is more distasteful to a man than to take the path that leads to himself.” ― Hermann Hesse

Our culture asks us to focus on everything outward from us…our jobs and careers, our education, our homes, our cars, etc., etc., etc. These things are what most of us are taught to define our lives with and by. What color is our hair, our eyes, what is our religious preference, what foods are we allergic to or fond of…  While all of these things may have some value in establishing some basis for research or medical treatment, there is no inherent value in categorizing each other. Our humanity screams for us to be recognized as who we ARE…and yet we are the last ones to know most of this information. I guess we would all rather go to a ball game than sit in meditation with self for even 20 minutes. I love teaching meditation to others and watching their initial reactions to sitting in a short meditation and the first thing most will say is: “I don’t have time to meditate.” And yet we will spend more than an hour each day on Facebook or texting silly pictures to someone or something of the like. I find this interesting…we are a culture of needing to be entertained and distracted at any cost. We believe we are connecting with others in this fashion and we are not. Mostly because, as the quote above states, we have not yet found out who the heck we are. When we are addicted to running around and distracting ourselves from what is actually going on in the internal landscape of US, we cannot possibly connect with another in an integral way because we are not able to show up and be truly present to self. Most of my career as a drug addict and alcohol was spent in entertaining me, often at your expense. I only needed others as a backdrop or accompaniment to MY life. I did not have the ability to truly connect or care with others, but needed them to define me more clearly. I was not able or willing to search out my soul and sit with it for any length of time, because I was afraid of all of that. I remember coming here and preparing myself for Step 4 (this means procrastinating for several weeks! I was that newcomer, too!) and being so terrified at what would happen if I found out who I really was and did not like who I found. I had so much shame and rage and pain inside me that it was deadly and I was a very, very unhappy woman. So I made a decision to do this thing and found out that the shit I hated about me was all the stuff that addiction created in my life. I could find out who I was and not hate her…wow! That began my love affair with the Steps, because I got the best high I ever had (for fun and for free and no hangover…yay!) And the process goes on…I have a great love for sitting quietly with Kelly every single morning and then doing whatever my day has in store for me. I am centered and much calmer than I used to be. I was propelled by fear into many things around here for a while. Even without the substances, I was as crazy as a loon (are they really crazy?) for a few years and have watched that shift to becoming saner and saner as time goes on. And I love learning about ME now…sitting with myself and being so very, very comfortable with my process and life and all of it!  So I highly recommend this process if you are “preparing” yourself as I once was.