June 17

I read something funny today…a Master was teaching his mindfulness class about compassion with the self and told the class: “You are all perfect, just the way you are; but you could all use a little improvement.” I love the dynamic of that statement! It gives me permission to be in full acceptance of self and life and others. Then I can apply the Serenity Prayer on TOP of that. Because I have to accept all of life and everything and everyone in order to be content. THEN I can work to change those things that I can…whatever character defects I find in myself that are causing difficulty in my day to day world. There is always something to work toward in my spiritual life. And the really important part for me is to practice acceptance first, then give my Creator the opportunity of taking my will and my life and guiding me to know what to do to improve my attitude and my behaviors.  It is not possible for me to stop my character defects until I recognize that they are fueled by old ideas and fears. Today I can tell when I am feeling that 2 or 3-years’ old fear…everyone seems big and I feel very small…everthing seems to happen in a way that others are prepared for, but I am not. I walk around feeling like I am the only one who did not get the manual or instructions for this day or this event. That was a constant for many years of my early life. What is really important for me to remember is that I am sitting in the mental construct of a small child with a very old and wrinkled face, so my perception of the situation is inaccurate. Then I can gently remind myself of who I really am and that I have access to the Power of the Universe…a huge creative energy that can handle all the planets and suns and stars and oceans, etc. I am pretty sure that whatever small thing I am dealing with is something that can be resolved with that Power’s assistance.  Then I am gaining in the humility needed to be right-sized and leave my space of a tiny child with an enormous problem to resolve. At that moment, I can maybe turn to the manual and instructions I always wanted. I believe the answer is always “wait and see”. This is not my favorite answer, but it is the most consistent and comforting one I ever get. I laugh when others tell me “You got this.” I silently tell them, “I hope not.” Waiting for things to get resolved is the answer to everything…sitting with uncertainty and with thenot-knowing mind is challenging for us addicts. We are really fond of instant gratification and impulsive responses to life. It is SO important that we learn to sit still and do nothing. UGH! This is the kind of thing my sponsor used to tell me when I was new and I hated her for it…time has improved my appreciation for her and her wisdom. She has become more precious to me now than she was in those early days. All I can say is how happy I am that I can remember her voice and what she always told me. It is another source of humility that my answers usually come from someone else with more wisdom and recovery….life is good!