June 13

HUMILTY MONTH: DAY 13: “You must know nothing before you can learn something, and be empty before you can be filled. Is not the emptiness of the bowl what makes it useful? As for laws, a parrot can repeat them word for word. Their spirit is something else again. As for governing, one must first be lowest before being highest.” ― Lloyd Alexander

This is the current path I am on…there is an emptying of my life right now…my spirit feels very quiet and without my usual high energy…depleted. I do know how good this will be in time, but it is a strange and uncomfortable place I am in…that sentence just made me laugh out loud! Life is quite often uncomfortable, of course, by necessity. What I mean to say is that I am most comfortable in the little rut I have created with a life that has little structure, due to the nature of not having to be anywhere on a scheduled basis. This has taken a lot of time for me to accommodate, because I always worked long hours and lived around that schedule. I am not retired, but have a different lifestyle today than I have ever known. At this moment, however, even that little bit of structure I have created is disrupted and not working in the new paradigm I feel coming. So I am emptying myself out of knowing what I am and how I do what I do and sitting with moment-to-moment uncertainty and “not knowing” about many outcomes that I want answers to. This is greatly uncomfortable, because even without working, I am continually busy and doing really fun things. Today I am emptying, emptying, sitting still. This is awesome and I am completely feeling the spaciousness of no schedule, no rigidity, no purpose, nowhere I must be for several days, no time frames for doing anything. I am truly working at breaking down all structure and allowing the flow of energy to shift and change and take me where it will. My sponsor used to tell the following story about how life in recovery works:

 

We begin by leveling the ground around us. As we progress through the steps and early recovery, we begin to build on the new foundation we are creating. Pretty soon we have a small little structure that is ours to inhabit. We add on to the structure over time, putting in furniture, hanging curtains, putting up wallpaper, pictures, etc. We become very cozy and nested. Then along comes a giant hurricane (called life!) and we lose the entire thing! If we are really good at developing the early foundation (steps), we will have something on which to rebuild. Those who cannot weather these storms of life are those who do not create that strong foundation. New structures, curtains and wallpaper are easy to achieve again, if we have the foundation of a solid stance in our recovery.

 

This story says it all. I have had A LOT of storms in 30 years! I have moved, in several states, over 20 times since 1986. I have lost everything a couple of times and built it all back up and gotten rid of it all again. I have worked at 52 jobs since then, as well. Most often, there have been 2-3 jobs at a time, so they have not all been concurrent. I have married and buried a wonderful man and lost 3 sponsors to death and 1 to getting loaded. I have lost so many friends in that time (getting older is not conducive to longevity of all relationships!). I have had numerous surgeries, illnesses that were fairly serious, and a broken neck. I have watched others navigate all of these things and then some! Life is an interesting journey through space and time. I want to be present to the moment-by-moment changes it brings. I have been practicing, for the last week or so, just sitting still and staying away from the crazy-busy I can create. Humility month is asking me to become still and quiet and just sit for a while in silence and BE, not DO. What a great challenge for me!