June 10

HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 10: “A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” ― Alexander Pope

It is hopeful to say that we gain wisdom through our mistakes. As I age, I find that I am more willing, each day, to learn from mistakes. However, my experience has taught me that I usually try to repeat the mistake a few times, from different angles, wearing a new outfit, to see if I can make it come out differently…the true “insanity” of this alcoholic. Sometimes I force myself into humiliation instead of humility…sad, but true. This does happen less and less as I am willing to wait and see what something is before I jump with both feet. Today I am sitting with things for a bit longer. Wisdom? I hope so. But I do have the same brain I got here with…just have adapted some of my reactive personality traits to be more responsive. Some people seem to have this already in their tool box. Not my story. I am not, by nature or personality, a cautious, “wait and see” kind of person. I am impulsive and sometimes compulsive. It makes life both more interesting and more humbling when I get to clean up a crazy mess that could have been avoided had I been less inclined to jump in without checking things out. Oh! I am not ashamed of this, but I do see that I am much less often lying to self and others about what is really going on. That means there is some progress, if only in recognizing my personal form(s) of insanity and knowing that this is what makes my humanity so large. We get to get real here. I have this conversation a lot. I am not here to conform to yours or others’ ideas of who and what you want me to be. I am not, in most cases, going to become a social butterfly or the prom queen of 12-step recovery; nor am I likely to be sitting in dozens of meetings each week…quite frankly, I am a bit frightened by those who do after a certain period of recovery! BUT, I am here to be the most ME I can, without defensiveness and without resentment, anger or the need to cram it down anyone’s throat. And I can be honest and somewhat humble (harder than honesty, for me) about what I have done wrong and how I want to make that different. We get to do this in Steps 8 and 9, but it all begins with first recognizing where my character defects are most likely to land me. Mine is in the impulsive, compulsive department. When I was new, I just started saying “no” to everyone and everything, because I was afraid of making a mistake or a bad decision, since I was mindful of the large number of erroneous decisions that I got here with. Then I began to say “yes” to everything, and my “okey-doke got broke”! So I began to weigh things out again. I must say that I most often say “no” to things that are social…not my arena…and I am not a big fan of large groups of people, gives me a headache and I found out some time ago that I prefer small gatherings and one-on-one conversation at a level deeper than parties allow. So I stand apart on that scene…and am okay with that. It is all about knowing what feeds my soul and what does not. HOWEVER, I can honestly say that if I were given the opportunity to take off today and travel to some places that I have not yet seen, I would probably jump at the chance. This is what I know about myself so far, I am spontaneous and jump off the cliff when there is something there that deeply appeals to my sense of adventure…and have always been. I take chances on things that most people would talk themselves out of. This leaves an open door for humility down the road, but I have also had some amazing adventures! And I know I can clean up the mess when it is over, should the need arise! In my book, these things are best weighed out individually…mistake or adventure? It’s up to each of us to decide!