June 9

HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 9: “If pain doesn’t lead to humility, you have wasted your suffering.” ― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

I got here like most of my friends in recovery…by wearing out the tools that did not work, all my plans and schemes and hard work were good for nothing. As I got to the bottom of the skill set I had acquired in that time, I was able to be teachable and less defensive about what I “knew”. Like most of us, I was a smart and capable woman in most arenas, but could not get my life to work well while practicing my addiction(s). This is still true. I have watched my life become more and more open as I process through these things. Every old idea and accompanying behavior set had to be let go of in a process of uncover, discover and discard; over and over again. Today I can see how much has been let go of, and how hard I pushed to be okay with letting go of all that I knew to be able to embrace all that was coming. This never, ever, ever ends…and the holding on to what I “know”, even when it kills me, is the only thing that keeps me from my intended joy and the true path of where I am going. We have to step back from what we are hanging on to and become teachable, every day, every hour, all the time. What we did for the last 2 weeks will not move us forward into today…more is required. It WILL be new and uncomfortable and awkward, but such is life. I know that all the pain I experience is in direct connection to my fight to maintain the stability of the shit I want to keep in my life that does not, will not and has not served in a long time. I would rather remain humble, not keeping myself out of the way of life by using old skills, old ideas, and old ways of being in the world, even if they are only a day old and discovered only yesterday. I already lived yesterday, today I am looking for the new life I woke up to embrace. This is hard if I am too full of yesterday or last week or last month, etc. Let go of EVERYTHING right now and move into the miracles that await when you let it all go and embrace this day, right here, right now! I have to ask this of myself all day, every day…let go, let go, let go. Breathe in a new moment and breathe out the old. Experience will keep us from self-destructing as we jump off one cliff after another in search of the moment we are next headed to live. I find that I suffer less when I expect my life to have any such experience that I have already lived. Oh??? A new day and a whole new experience??? I don’t know, am I dressed right for that??? Am I too tired??? It feels a bit scary, don’t you think???? YIKES…my brain is going to keep creating resistance and fear to keep me in line…omg! I do not want to EVER be in line…that is the whole point! Hahaha…let go of the pain…let go of the old, the tired, whatever! Wake up and do it now!