May 26

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 26: “Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.” ― George Eliot

I live with uncertainty a great deal of the time. I have hope and joy and anger and many other feelings during the course of the day, but I really embrace uncertainty, because I want to expose myself to those things that come in the course of a day and allow them their space. This can be challenging when I have a situation that creates fear. Because of my early life experiences, my brain is programmed to react in a panic mode when something goes in a direction other than what I had planned…this has been a long-time issue for me! So I make it a habit to process my feelings as quickly as I can so that I can stop reacting to the fear that comes up. I sort through the situation as quickly as I can mentally, or sometimes talking with someone, so that I can respond with a calm and less panicky state of awareness. I would love to stop reacting with that “danger” feeling, because it just isn’t true. I understand why I react with panic, but I truly wish to dispel it as quickly as I can. Over time, it has gone from feeling like the world is ending (I call it my ‘Chicken Little brain’) for hours or even days to about a 10-minute frame where I get immediately into action and do what is in my power to do about that. So I find that when I honestly appeal to others for help, I get what is needed to resolve the situation. This happens more often as I practice being mindful of my responses and their outcomes. This is much subtler an arena than the ones we discuss in meetings and with sponsors, etc. This is a life-long practice for me, because it has created a lot of tension and discomfort for me and in relationships all my life. Others do not see why I act in this way, but the reactions are in response to what is happening and the panic state I go into. When we are aware of these things, it is in our best interest to correct them. I watch others who react in similar fashion and know that this is what we are all up against. Thinking and believing things that created a pattern of life for us at the ages of 2 or 3. Today we know that this is when the brain formulates behaviors around what the world is like for us at that stage of our development. Mine was traumatic and I created poor responses to that feeling of danger. I cannot re-program my brain completely, so I still have that response, but I CAN be aware of how it works out and practice new behaviors around it. The first thing I learned in this deal is to identify those problem areas and become aware of when they happen. Oh! This came from that first 4^th and 5^th Step process. I had a huge awakening around Steps 6 and 7 and was able to stop a behavior that was a pattern of life for me for so many years. Then I got to examine what I believed about that behavior so I could revise my ‘old ideas’. I am always astonished at how things have unfolded during these years to give me opportunities to respond to those situations in my life, rather than to react to my silly brain telling me ‘DANGER!!!!’ when what it should be saying is, ‘uh, pay attention here’, you need to respond to this situation or it will cause you trouble. Ok…I get it, now I don’t have to come down from all of that panic and adrenaline/cortisol, which kills people who have these trauma responses to life. They wear out the human heart over time and they are no good. So to tie all of this in with the quote, I think I can say that we ARE a product of our deeds; but we need to see the connections to what we Believe about life and situations that create those deeds. Then we can learn to act more appropriately in the world around us. This cycle is the place where recovery begins and ends for me.