May 23

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 23: Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are. – Pema Chodron

One of the most elusive details of integrity is the ability to honor everything that is happening in our experience…as it happens. To be consistent with life in a spiritual practice, we are honest with our feelings of sadness, happiness, grief, joy, anger and exuberance. We are past masters of escape. We drink and drug to AVOID life, never to enhance or embrace it! We do not know how to sit still with discomfort, be it emotional, spiritual or physical. We are always on the lookout for a quick fix. Learning to live with integrity is the ability to sit with our discomfort and let it teach us exactly what is going on. When I first began meditation, I was still using and drinking (for nearly 15 years!), but only did it when I was on enhancement drugs (LSD, etc.) and not when I drank or used recreational drugs (as I called them then…ha-ha). So it was a whole new ball game when I came to the practice again without them. Oh! I had a terribly difficult time at one of my favorite meetings…a meditation meeting where we sat for 15 minutes before the meeting, together in a group. I loved watching the new members peeking around to see what was really going on! I drank a ton of coffee and could not sit still and was not able to keep myself in any one spot for more than about 2 minutes. This took a great deal of practice over time. I see this with people who have long-term recovery as well, because they are uncomfortable sitting with their feelings and self without any distraction. Busy, busy mind…our challenge. And when we are feeling what we refer to as “negative” feelings, we just want to do something…anything…to shift those feelings…shopping, eating, running, going to the gym…anything! So integrity within our own lives is being present to who I am at all times, and letting the things that are happening with me just BE. We are not socially trained to do this. We are so busy multi-tasking and going and doing that being is not on our radar. It explains our complete lack of knowing who we are and what we are up to. These are the same cultural dynamics that foster and support addictions of every kind anyway, so we need to be mindful of what we buy into in our current cultural environment. When I am happy, I must sit still with it…if you know me and my Tigger-personality, this is a harder challenge for me than when I am sad. If I am sad or grieving, I must sit still with it. I love that the Power of this Universe will sometimes give me gifts I did not know were needed. I have been coming to some “stuff” around my life right now and have a broken car; so I cannot go anywhere except walking for another 2 days. This is great, because I had a lot of things I thought I was going to do this week and now I must sit…with discomfort. Oh! I am not always pleased with this, but I can appreciate the gift. So I will embrace these old ideas I am up against and find a way to process and sit with them. Most of us will run to a meeting or the phone when agitated or experiencing discomfort. I write it out first and then sit with it for a couple of times before I talk about it. There is greater ownership of my feelings and behaviors when I do this. I seldom get what I need in a meeting, so do not go to as many as I used to. I still go, but not as often. I go to be supportive, but need to get what I need first. This is something I have learned in all the years of working in the treatment field and being in recovery. I have also moved a lot, so find myself somewhat disconnected from the people in meetings. It takes a few years to connect deeply, so most of my tribe are in other cities. I need to go to my source, which is within and then I can talk about what is REALLY going on…not just what I am thinking about what is going on. I find that, for me, the difference lies in personal integrity.