May 20

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 20: “Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.” –  W. Clement Stone

People pleasers never own their own souls. They want everyone to like them, but destroy all possibility of that happening because their dishonesty and lack of integrity make them unlikable. I could never say no to anyone, and when I did finally learn to do that, I would explain for 5 minutes why I was saying no. This meant that no one believed me anyway. This is the problem. If I say no and explain why I am saying no, those who enjoy manipulating me will see it as a “maybe” and persist in wearing me down to “well, okay.” Children are masters at this technology! And most of us in recovery have so many codependency issues that we have trouble standing up to that kind of maneuvering. This quote is a good one for those who are where I was in my early days around here. I wanted everyone to like me so much that I signed on for every committee and every task that came down the pike. We hear around the rooms that we are not supposed to say no to an AA/NA request. This is prime for manipulation in the name of recovery. I have said no a great deal, once I learned how. I have had people ask me for insane things in the name of this kind of thinking. And I do not play in this arena. I would do things for others that I did not want to do, and it had little or nothing to do with recovery. So I learned, through hard lessons, to say no and mean it. I had to learn that No was a complete sentence. I do not owe anyone an explanation for my No. That is hard when I am afraid you won’t like me if I say No. This is no longer an issue for me, but I have had a recent experience where I saw that I was not able to do something that needed to be done in a situation where I did not like what was happening and I did not say what I felt/thought. It caused me a problem later on, because I will live with that inability to say something when it was important. We learn these things as time goes on. I am not afraid of the truth, because I have found that I do not have a great deal of patience or time that I am willing to invest in BS. I found that when I did these inventory steps that I honestly disliked some of the people I was doing things for that I did not want to do. This is a crazy thing to realize! Why would I make myself uncomfortable for the sake of pleasing someone I did not like? That is totally crazy. And I have also recognized that those who want to force their agendas on me are not people I should cultivate as friends anyway. I am not the woman who wants or needs to be ”prom queen” of the meetings. “I am not here to win friends or influence people” as my great friend and mentor Danny Leahy used to say every time he shared in meetings. It is not popular to have integrity and to own your own soul; but it IS recovery. I am not overly social nor am I interested in being involved in hanging out with the crowd. I enjoy those with whom I interact, and my circle is rather small. This is the way I have always been. Small talk and social niceties are not my stock in trade. I will say hello to everyone, but I don’t socialize in meetings or with everyone there. It has never appealed to me, because I am too busy with the amazing life I have been given by practicing spiritual principles, learning to say No and stick with it, facing deep truth and looking for more, doing the right things and learning and practicing integrity. My part is small and I am happy with that.