May 19

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 19: “Reputation is what others think of us; character is what God knows of us. When you have spent what feels like eternity trying to repair a few moments of time that destroyed the view others once had of you then you must ask yourself if you have the problem or is it really them? God doesn’t make us try so hard, only enemies do.” ― Shannon L. Alder

When I got to this thing, I was the very worst person I was ever going to be…on that day…and have always been astonished by the enormity of the gifts and love I was given…on that day. It was not a good day, it certainly was not my best day; and yet I celebrate that day every year, because I got something I did not go looking for, nor did I know I wanted. I got to this thing and was given so much love and unconditional acceptance from others. I smelled bad, I looked bad, I had self-inflicted cuts across my face, chest and arms from a window I put my face through. I was the most shameful and dishonorable person I had ever been…on that day. And what I got was the gift of this way of living and all that it entails. I did not seek out this recovery thing, nor did I know that others had amazing lives that were a direct result of not drinking or drugging, one day at a time. That had never crossed my radar. But what happened is the grace of a loving Power that allowed others to teach me how to walk this path they were on. They inspired me with their love and acceptance of me when I hated myself more than I can say. So I get this quote in ways that are a bit different, because I was given grace through the people who helped me in those early days. There were 3 people that first week who changed it all for me and I share about them when I share my story. I did not have a reputation to defend, nor have I ever worried about that. I was given the gift of not worrying about what others thought of me pretty quickly here. I got that…and eventually I recognized that this Universal Power arranged all the setting for those early times, knowing exactly what I needed to “come to believe”. Today I only judge my behaviors by what I feel in my heart is right. I am not a product of a religious dogma that has rules and guidelines to adhere to. I got this thing in my heart that always told me what was right and what was wrong. I seldom worry about how it looks to others or what they think. I have a very small group of trusted folks who give me great input when I ask for help. I turn to them, but mostly I do what Step Eleven has taught me. I thank that Power every morning for “knowledge of His Will for me and the power to carry it out.” Then I meditate and listen to my heart to see if there is anything that feels ‘off’ inside there. Sometimes I just get the feeling that I am supposed to talk with a certain person or do a certain thing. Often I have done pages 86, 87, and 88 at night before I go to bed and have little to clean up. If there is something that has happened over which I am not content, I do what I need to do to clean it up. Most often it is something that has to be let go…there has been a lot of letting go this last year…deaths of beloved friends and a few folks I could no longer walk down this road beside…and on it goes. Life is a series of letting go and greeting the new. For everyone who has gone, others are brought into my experience in more significant ways. This is all good and how it is supposed to be. I no longer clutch people to me, they need to do what is on their journey. Sometimes it is difficult to walk with them, other times it becomes clear that we are at a fork in the road and they are going a direction I cannot, and sometimes it is just that they are leaving the room for a while…travel safely old friends and see you the next time we meet! What grows and grows is the quiet place in my heart where the Power of the Universe dwells and whispers to me…”It is all okay…here we are…let’s have another day of this thing called life…if you pay attention, there are going to be big miracles.” This is an amazing day!