May 18

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 18: “When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves-they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.” ― Cheryl Hughes

I always believed when I was young that I would have to lie and cheat and steal to be where I wanted to be and to do what I wanted to do. It was a way of life for me…fearful and ashamed and angry at the world around me. Coming to terms with these ideas and these feelings was a process; for me a long one that takes numerous visits with steps 4 & 5…working with trusted others to give me the sense of who I truly am. I was shocked the first time I had an opportunity to take something that wasn’t mine and I did not, even though it was a crazy situation and the person I turned the money in to was shocked and puzzled by my behavior. Later the same day, someone else was equally honest and it changed me for the rest of my life! My situation was so much graver than the one that had happened where I got to practice a spiritual principle. Wow! And I felt good about myself and how I responded to the situation. I was not very proud of anything when I got here. There were so few stories of doing the right thing. I was fearful because of the old ideas that my life was built upon; ashamed because I knew I was permanently broken and wrong, just wrong; and angry because I saw my life through the lens of a victim. Yes, things had been done to me that were wrong and I did not know I could learn to see the beauty of my warrior spirit and how strong a woman I had become around that…so many gifts! Today it is very different, I no longer feel inadequate about life. I have amazing tools that give me the ability to accept life on all its terms and thrive! My triumphs are not the financial kind, nor have I become a celebrity or raised a family; they are to have become the amazing woman I once dreamed of being, living a life that is far different than what I pictured, but very satisfying. I do have faith in my ability to tell the truth and to succeed without taking shortcuts or running over others to do so. I am trusted by many to tell the truth when they need to hear it and to be kind with them and others. I no longer cheat, even on taxes! There is no loophole for honesty…I searched! There is no place in the BB or anywhere else that says we get a day off (for being good!) or any of that. I am not working at getting good…I am working at living with a set of guidelines that are the best directions I ever got! I always wanted to read the book where I got the information on life and how to do it. Today I have that book! And I have the tools, the guidelines live and breathe, for me in the 12 steps. I have many books that speak to me about the things I can do here and how I continue to grow in recovery. For me, this is an amazing journey that looks different from the journey of others, but we get to hang out and help those who are brought into our lives with the journey WE have had. I can only help those who resonate with my experience. These long years have given me a sense of where my feet have come from, where they are today, and where I would like to go as progress continues. I am always willing to share that with others who may be able to use the tools that are given for their feet. Sometimes they will work, sometimes there are others whose tools are best for them. One thing I know for sure, I have become someone I would not have believed was inside that broken person who came in here. There have been awesome folks along the way to give me what was needed for the trip. And there are more who are waiting for the time when I will receive the gifts they have to share at just the moment they are needed. I can grow into where I want to go and stretch the limits of who I believe I am here. This is the greatest gift of a lifetime, for a lifetime.