May 17

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 17: “Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.” ― Miguel Ruiz

We, as a social body, have lost the ability to communicate with others. Mostly because we are not in touch with our feelings and beliefs about life. If I don’t know what is going on with myself, how can I possibly tell you? There is no integrity in relationships if we do not have a true understanding of self. This is what we get when we perform the inventory steps, because we are finding out who we are in relationship. This is where integrity is a key player. I cannot relate to another if I am unsure of my feelings about the other(s) who are already in my life. It is an interesting thing to watch when new members either attempt to begin a relationship with a significant other or attempt to repair one that exists when they are too new to know how to navigate those waters with integrity. We only have misunderstandings, sadness and drama to offer when we are new to this deal. How could we possibly provide anything clearly when we are completely under the delusion that the alcohol and/or drugs were the only factor in our troubles with others? It has taken years for most of us to learn about self. In that process, we have probably stumbled through relationships; looking for relief from the toxic beliefs and old ideas that plagued us before, during and for some time after we drank and/or used. Integrity is ME knowing ME and showing you, in a consistent pattern, who I am and how I walk through life. I cannot do this until I begin that arduous process of uncovering, discovering and discarding that we practice in Steps 4 and 5. That is how we begin to know self. Then we can deepen it in spiritual practices that come after those steps. The first relationship I need to develop is a loving acceptance of who I am…then an unconditional relationship with a Power of some kind. After that, I have what I need to begin to develop relationships that are deep and loving with others. Those who have remained with us throughout the addiction and into recovery are going to have to work with our limited abilities to honestly relate until we have some skills in that arena. Most family members truly believe that the worst is over when the drugs and alcohol are gone. That is such a sad delusion, because we want it to be true as well. But we are seldom fit for deep connection until some big work is done in this area. We may do okay with juggling family, work and recovery for some time. Most often, it is when those things are removed that we begin to experience a disconnect from self and others. When the distractions of life are gone, what can we do with those people who have only known us for a couple of hours a day at best? There is going to be some trouble with actually being in relationship with them when we are together for long periods of time, daily. Our cultural fascination with busy-ness has created a gap that is almost impossible to bridge. Building bridges to our relationships is often a by-product of working steps 4-9 that most of us do not recognize when we are new to this process. First we develop a relationship with US, then with a Power Greater than us, and then we can branch out into the realms of family and friends and a significant other. These tools will give us what we need when we do them in the prescribed way. This means that I cannot show up for healthy relationships until I maintain a stable footing in recovery for ME. That will require a stable relationship with that Power. And THEN I am available to build something with another. The integrity we find in letting another into our honest inventory is a step that is crucial to this process. This is when we begin to receive the feedback that is going to open our eyes to how we truly operate in relationship with others, especially if we blamed THEM for the resentments and feelings we are inventorying about. Oh!