May 16

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 16: “May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I sometimes get frightened and think of ways to navigate my fear that are less than integral. I have come to believe that my mind is not the source of my integrity, because I have to sit sometimes with ideas before I can act in ways that are integral. There is a battle that happens less frequently each day, but the battle is there. So my fear speaks to me of “hurry” and quick fixes, while my heart/conscience speaks to me of the way I most deeply wish to walk through the world. So I guess it is integral to walk through my fear and do the right thing, even when I don’t want to. That is a new thought for me today. I sat with this quote and wanted to do the author justice, since he is one of my favorites. When I was really new here, I found a quote of his that has helped me for many, many years now.

“Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

This, too, speaks to me about living in faith, rather than in fear. Most of his writing is faith-based and has brought me peace through these years when I feel lost and alone and frightened. I shared with a friend the other morning, right after I wrote this daily blog, that I get kind of high when I go back and read what I write the next day or a week later. I am not consciously aware of what I am writing, it does not come from me, but through me, which I totally love. I sit and become inspired with my opening, and then let the words come. That is what is happening when I read this quote, the words are flowing through me like a river. Sometimes I go back and see a typo or something after I have posted this. It is my reminder that the flow is sometimes hard to keep up with. My fingers type really fast, over 100 wpm, but I still can’t always keep up with the flow of these words as they come. That is cool, because I know that they are not MY words, but from a Source that I believe is higher than me. It sounds a bit arrogant, I suppose, to believe that this is happening for me, but I hear other writers saying it happens for them and I get it. So I get to love what I am writing after it is written and I find it resonates with me, because I am able to step aside and let the writing take place without trying to control or force it. Boy, I can really feel it when I do. I don’t know when this started for me, I think I was about 11 or 12. I used to write poetry and it was always a surprise when I did. I really felt that I was destined to be a great rock and roll song writer, but that did not happen. I still don’t know why I write; I just do it. It has to come out or I will explode. And when I am done, I feel ALIVE! We all got to do that as children, run and play and do whatever we were doing with our full intention and focus until we fell asleep with exhaustion. I love when I get that into something and it just flows and there is no fear and no thinking involved.