May 15

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 15: “One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I was raised and trained to please others…the first ones I disappointed were my family…why? Because I became what they were, not what they told me to be. But what else would I ever learn? All children disappoint parents who are dysfunctional, because all children become what you ARE not what you tell them to be or do. Then I began to disappoint others, because they all had an agenda for why they wanted me to be or do things other than my path. Then I got here and found that the person’s heart who was most brutally broken by my life to that point was ME. My heart had a whole different journey mapped out for me…and at that time and on that day I KNEW I had to follow my heart and not the input from anyone or anything else. I also understood that I could let go of that regret and shame and move into DOING what my heart said, instead of running away from it or dismissing it because it might be unpopular or misunderstood. For many years, this meant that I was apart from those who were not doing this thing with me, because I was still too vulnerable to those people who wanted things from me and I could not stand up for myself in healthy ways. I am way past that today and stand my ground with the best of them. I know this journey, and I have withstood some pretty great pressure to be something or someone other than who I am. It is funny how I see what my intentions for healing bring into my life. Great resistance appears so I can go back to the familiar dance of woundedness that I know better than this new recovery step(s). So I get to step out every day into discomfort, because what I KNOW is right is not always as familiar (comfortable) as the old ways. This is an ongoing process, because each day IS a new beginning and a new opportunity to grow and live and breathe and explore this amazing planet we call home. I will make new friends and greet new people and see new things and have feelings that might be triggered by something old…but be challenged to respond in ways that are new…see how that cycle goes? I want to be mindful of every moment, even when I want to close my eyes and ignore those things that call me to grow a bit more. Some days I would like to rest on what was done the day before, but then all growth and development from yesterday is lost…damn! So I learn a bit more about Kelly by opening up to self and others, then I get to take that into the world and let it add to that wisdom and sit with it and walk with it and treasure it…it is a bit of me I never knew before and I must cherish the bit and the way it is revealed to me, new every day…a bit more and another bit more. This is great stuff and sometimes the bits are so tiny I want to ignore them, but then I feel what it felt like to be abandoned by others until I learned to abandon myself without regard. I hold on to those bits and have learned to love who I am, even when others are uncertain or judgmental…and remember it is my job to hold my fragile heart and spirit and cherish them. And I find that the more I do this, the more I can do it with others and let others do it with me. But I must begin with me….what a wonderful day it is!