May 12

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 12: “How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.” ― Marcus Aurelius

It would be wonderful for any of us to be able to do this. I am convinced that too many of us waste years of our lives being people pleasers and spend too much time trying to please and appease those who cannot be satisfied with what WE do, because they choose to be unhappy anyway. My parents were the best parents they knew how to be; but they had their own addictions to deal with and could not be present to give us great amounts of time and attention, nor were they capable of being generous with their praise and/or recognition. When we come from those places, we strive incredibly hard to make others approve of us and go to extraordinary lengths to gain their attention and good thoughts. This does not work. Most of the world is too busy and self-centered to be interested in meeting our needs. That is no one’s job, anyway…it belongs to US. We have to recognize what we do to get approval from others and begin to give it to US. When we do that, we lose the need to gain attention and time from others. Then we can begin to become self-fulfilled and self-worthy. It is NONE of my business what you think of me, nor is it imperative that you like me. This is so painful to fight. We are trained to seek and gain efficacy from others, to please them and create a world where we have the most “likes” on fb and in other realms that are NOT real! If I focus on approving of my own behavior, attitudes and ways of walking in the world, it is REALLY okay if it does not meet with your approval. I will not need to please you if I am sufficient and adequate within my own life. My insecurities drove me for so long. I did whatever I could to gain your good wishes and respect and HATED myself the whole time. This, too, is an inside job. BTW, it is ALL an inside job! When I love and accept myself, I become integral by default, because I am owning everything about ME; not needing your time and attention to gain worthiness by osmosis from another. This really happens most often in relationships where each partner seeks to gain worthiness from the other. As the BB says, “we cannot transmit something we haven’t got.” This means that not only can we not teach about recovery, but we are not able to teach about self-esteem or self-respect until we have it. This is not the big “F… you!” to the world around us; but a happiness and freedom we get when we can walk through the world without shame and anger toward ourselves and who we have been, where we have been, and who we are today. We have learned to accept, unconditionally, our own lives and persons and adjusted those things that we were not happy with or about. That we are walking a road that suits our hearts and feel comfortable wearing our own face and our own behaviors. We do NOT need to impose those on anyone else, nor do we explain them to anyone. We just get to BE. And when we do this, we begin to gather a different tribe around us, those who are able to be integral with themselves and are drawn to our experience. We don’t need to please others because we are pleasing ourselves and the Universe and this is an amazing thing! We can allow the love we feel for self to radiate outward and spread…no judgments, no defenses needed. And that, my friend, is the process of these things we are doing in this Step 5 work. We let go of those things that we have been. We find new tools to take us into the future that we envision. It is heartbreaking to watch people who refuse to let go of those old ideas and ways of being…their pain is palpable and they are so stuck…we have all been there, so our empathic responses must be kindness and love, not scorn or ridicule. They are showing us who we are and where we have been…we must embrace their pain as our own, not shun them because they remind us and we do not like it. Thank your teachers and ‘own what you are shown’. Smiley face here!