May 10

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 10: “Don’t assume, ask. Be kind. Tell the truth. Don’t say anything you can’t stand behind fully. Have integrity. Tell people how you feel.” ― Warsan Shire

I read something this morning that was talking about making a vow to be honest and how that might be a future cause of hurt feelings for someone. I have heard this quite a few times in the rooms and in conversation with new members. Why do we assume that being honest will hurt someone? The only time that will happen is when we are giving an opinion…and we should not freely offer opinions to anyone at any time. There is no dishonesty in withholding your opinion, and no need to give it brutally when asked. If I am asked if I like or dislike something, I tell the truth. I don’t have to add that it is the worst tasting, ugliest or most horrible experience of my life, but I can say it did not resonate with me, whatever IT happens to be. Some of us have been people pleasers for so long that we do not know how to be gracious and say “No, thank you” to others. And that is dishonest. There is no integrity in being a people pleaser. It ends up making no one happy or really “pleased” anyway. If your truth hurts my feelings, then I am too dependent on making you happy. That is the truth of the deal. If I take your needs and highest good personally, then I am being way too codependent. A true friend is one who can be okay with another person walking away because that is the journey they need to have. When we look at these things from a spiritual perspective, it ain’t about us anyway! When I was really practicing my insanity, it would devastate me if a boyfriend decided our relationship wasn’t working and needed to leave. I took it very personally and knew I was wrong, inadequate, broken and being thrown away…geez! It wasn’t like I was really present for the whole thing anyway, right? And it was really all about me holding the poor guy hostage, because we both knew it wasn’t working. Let things go, it is the nature of the Universe for the energy to shift and change and flow. There is NO PAIN in letting go, just in refusing to allow the Universe to move the way it is destined and designed to move. We have to mean what we say when we say it and then let it all go. If you have something you need to say to someone, do it with love and kindness, not fear and resentment. It isn’t that telling your truth is damaging, it is how you say it. In order to tell the truth, we have to be honest with ourselves and willing to dig very deeply into our soul to know and honor what lives there. Steps 4 and 5 are going to bring some big stuff into our experience to uncover, discover and discard. When we see the liabilities, those are the things we need to really focus attention on getting rid of in Steps 6 and 7. When we find those assets that are uncovered, we must water and grow them to make them the stars of our lives. We all have both. When we are hurting, we want to hurt others back…that is human nature and the nature of living in fear. We can and do learn to walk a higher ground. Letting go of holding others hostage to our sense of neediness is NOT a relationship; it is a hostage situation. When we pretend to love or care for others, it is damaging to both parties. Integrity means we are honest with ourselves and let go of things that no longer serve; this includes old clothes, things we don’t need or use, relationships that do not foster growth or integrity, shoes that looked pretty but don’t fit well, and all of the resentment, anger, fear and pain we have been carrying around since God knows when. Being integral, for me, means I have an empty head and a full heart.