May 1

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 1: “When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” ― Lao Tzu

This is probably the best example of integrity. Being oneself and not attempting to be like someone else, or to be better or less than they are. Knowing that we are all completely and totally adequate, as we are. Without great achievements or titles or acquisition, we are complete and perfect. This is not what our culture teaches us, nor is it what most people live. When I am being honestly me and letting you be honestly you, there is no judgment, no sense of other and no insecurity about not being enough, not having enough, not doing enough; and I have nothing to prove, nor do you. This is a great freedom. I can let it all be just as it is. We seldom recognize the manipulative nature of some of our communication and the way we talk to another. Recently someone I had not seen in a few months said to me: “I haven’t seen you for a while. Are you doing okay?” I replied: “I didn’t know you were looking for me.” Perhaps that was not the response she was looking for. We seldom realize the implied sense of responsibility or guilt that this kind of greeting implies. It is a common form of greeting, and yet I find it invasive and somewhat of a guilt trip. I do not like to have to explain my whereabouts to others who are not really interested anyway. There are so many social expressions that are demeaning and less than mindful. If I haven’t seen someone for some time, and am really interested in their well being, I most certainly will make some attempt to contact them. If I am truly interested in how they are, I will ask them how they are. Our words are very important. I really work to communicate exactly what I mean to ask or convey to others. This is a constant task for me. We talk about things that are not what we mean to say. I had a short discourse with a friend about her telling me that she was “worried” about me. I find this particularly offensive. It is truly a form of implied guilt on my part that they have been spending time on my behalf. I let her know that I not only did not appreciate the condescension that I felt from her statement, but that I would appreciate her spending her time on something a bit more productive. I was tempted to be really nasty and ask “How’s that working for you?” (But I refrained, because I know sarcasm is not really a great communication skill anyway.) So integrity can be a great number of things. I need to learn to say exactly what I want to say. Miscommunication comes when we are not skilled at using words that we are familiar with to say those things that are true for us in this moment. Hinting at difficult communication makes a bigger mess than being very direct and honest. I find that even when it is somewhat harsher than what I would like, truth is best delivered in a plain wrapper. If the listener is not happy with the outcome, flowery words don’t matter. Yes and No are great responses. I really do not like to receive a long, drawn out excuse for why you are saying Yes or No. Just the response is great. We equivocate when we are practicing being people-pleasers and other forms of codependency. We try to make others happy and it is not integral at all. That begins an entire cycle of guilt and shame and blame. Who needs it? Many of us grew up with that and have spent years attempting to get the muck out of our systems. I know that is true for me. When I am given muck from others, I just need to cut the ties and walk away. I don’t have to play there any longer.