April 30

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 30: “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” ― Spencer Johnson

The perfect quote for moving from Honesty Month into Integrity Month. These are difficult months to write about, because they are the things I most want to hide from as an addict. When I receive this vital information about self in Step 4 processes, I must walk with it into a new way of life. That is what is being done for us and to us in this thing. Because I want to walk a different way today, I am willing to do this work…most of the time. If I don’t, I will become so uncomfortable and act like such a righteous bitch that it becomes quite apparent (TO EVERYONE!) that it is time for deeper work. I am NOT that person who gets away with Step 10 for maintenance. I have to practice this thing every time I get in a knot emotionally and spiritually, because the knot is too hard to untie with Step 10 alone. So I get back into recognizing what I am feeling and what feels threatened. Even though there is a great list in the BB, I really need to remember that what comes up right away are those EGO defenses! So I am defending my EGO…this is never a good thing! And then I can move quickly into what needs to be done. I can process this pretty quickly, because there are so many years of practice, but I have to see what comes up and what is threatened and then see which character defects are involved and that I need to amend the situation I may have just created. Today I said something that is going to become my new “AA Mantra”…that is: “I must own what I am shown”…oooh! The minute I said it, I knew I was going to spread it around a lot. LOL! A few weeks ago I wrote about radical self-acceptance and how I must practice loving those things that are broken in me because when I see them in you, I have learned to have compassion. But I truly want empathy, which is more along the lines of me BEING you, instead of me ACCEPTING you. So as we do this inventory process, it is REALLY, REALLY important that I begin to love and accept those things about me that I discover. Why? Because they are always going to be a part of me and my life. Even when I want to deny that I am that woman, I am always that woman. I cannot blame drinking for who I am and who I have been. I must own and accept it, because that judgment is not mine to make. None of us get to judge anyone, least of all ourselves, for who we have been and those things we have done. If our Supreme Creator can accept us that way and GIVE us this greatest of all gifts, who the hell are we to reject ourselves and who we have been???? I must understand that I will always be dishonest and need to practice honesty. I must understand that I am a screaming codependent whose control issues are outrageous and drive everyone away, and that, one day at a time, I can practice other ways of being. I must love and accept these things, because I cannot be beaten into submission…nor can you…nor can anyone…we love and accept each other to the degree that we give ourselves this gift. It is very apparent when we do not…we are looking around and hating others who show us who we are…oh! I MUST OWN WHAT I AM SHOWN…yeah, this one’s a keeper!