April 29

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 29: “Better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” ― Khaled Hosseini

If, or when, I ask someone’s opinion of something, I expect them to be honest with me. Not necessarily brutally honest, but honest. I seldom need to do this, because I use the tools I have learned here to find my answers, which are always in my heart. My sponsor and a couple of close friends are the ones I trust to tell me the truth. Others usually have an agenda that gives them a reason for wanting some other outcome, and many are just too damned codependent to tell the truth. I am not someone who wants or needs “yes” people around me. I can get into enough trouble on my own without co-signers, thank you very much. So I really prefer honesty in every area of my life. I recently had an experience where I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t know what I knew about a situation, and came to the same conclusion I already knew was true for me. I don’t know why I sometimes pretend to not know, but I do it from time to time. That is a funny way to treat myself, because I don’t gain anything from this process, but I do it nonetheless. Less and less often, I admit, but I hope to one day stop this altogether. There is a crazy part of me that wants to be more in tune with someone else’s truth than my own. This is my own codependency in action. Recovery is a process of letting that go and living from my own heart, not yours or anyone’s, just mine. It can be a lonely road, but it is my road. And whomever is going to meet me on that road is right for me; be they family, friends, partners, coworkers, sponsors and sponsees, etc. I have never regretted the lonely part, just the parts where I try to convince myself that something that doesn’t feel right can be worked out. (There is that alcoholic optimism, otherwise known as denial!) So I have to know what I know and go with that. This happens in every decision I need to make. Sometimes I think I am feeling fear, but it is always that what I am contemplating and sometimes doing is not resonating with me. I love that I have come to trust myself in this more often than I ever did before…a great process of being honest with Kelly, who is the one person I hurt the most when I try to convince myself that something is other than it is in my life. “To thine oneself be true” is such a powerful way to live. It doesn’t mean I get to be a selfish shit, but that I have to honor myself with the truth…all the time, not just when it matches what I want to have happen. The progress I have made in these 30 years is wonderful…slow and steady…I wanted it all to happen right away, but the learning curve is perfect, because I have had ample opportunities to do things the other way and learn how messed up THAT can be! Yikes!